Before I had kids

Ages 18 to 24 were these years for me, most depicted by the statement,"I want to find God and a reason to stay alive before I kill myself accidentally or on purpose." I didn't really find the answer to stay alive until my first son was born when I was 26. But this reason started form when my live in girlfriend became pregnant when I was 25 and we decided to get marrried before our son was born.

However, I'm here to write about 18 to 24 or "Looking desperately for God and for love before I died." The operative word here was always desperation. Desperately looking for God in everything everywhere. Desperately looking for love and for meaning in life and knowing that if I didn't find both God and love I would not be alive any longer.

So basically, I knew I would be dead by whatever means were available if I couldn't find what I wanted in God and Love and friendship and community.

The following were my words to John Denver's song Country Roads.

Almost heaven
Sweet Mt. Shasta
Magic Mountain
Sacramento River

Life is old there
older than the trees
Younger than the mountain
growing like a breeze

verse
Country Roads
Take me home
to the place
I belong
Sweet Mt. Shasta
Mountain Mama
Take me home
Country Roads

I here her voice
in the morning hours she calls me
the radio reminds me of my home far away
Drivin' down that road I get
a feelin' that I should have been home yesterday

Verse

Country Roads
Take me home
to the place
I belong
Sweet Mt. Shasta
Mountain Mama
Take me home
Country Roads

All my memories
gather 'round her
devotee's lady
Glistening white mountain
Diamond white
Painted on the sky
with a taste of moonlight
teardrop in my eye

verse
Country Roads
Take me home
to the place
I belong
Sweet Mt. Shasta
Mountain Mama
Take me home
Country Roads

Since there were at least 25 formal girlfriends between age 21 and 24, this song was sung to them individually accompanied by accoustic guitar, electric guitar, piano or keyboards or even A capella anywhere anywhen back then. Lest you think I was too loose it is important to remember that I went steady with only 4 girls between age 15 and 21 and was almost completely faithful to each of them for between 6 months and 2 years each.

The following lyrics are to a song I wrote that is in A minor, G and D. I preferred to write in triads of chords because playing by ear isn't how I learned music. I had a formal background of 8 years of classical piano from age 8 to 16 and I sang bass in a church choir from age 12 to age 21. I also played a Steinway extra long grand piano in church and Baldwin organ on youth nights or whenever I could or was needed to play.

Friends of mine that I jammed with wanted me to go professional with them but I didn't like playing in smoke filled rooms to drunk or drugged out people. Music for me was a spiritual thing and for me it had nothing to do with drugs or alcohol or cigarettes. This is the main reason I didn't want a professional music career.

Here is a song that depicts this kind of innocent idealism:

"I am my music"

Last night while I was asleep
Last night while dreaming so deep
Last night I saw the light
I saw what my music means to me

Everything I write comes from music
Everything that's dear to me
All my dreams come from music
My music is really me

All else I am is a groping
A groping for the music that is me
a gropin' for the love that I am
A gropin' for the God that I am

As you can see I lived in a very different state of consciousness that most people are in today. The level of idealism cannot be overestimated. Finding my utopia here on earth was necessary for me to even stay alive: then.


Over time I have realized that my mother and grandmother trained me from birth to be an ideal man, a man who loves women, the opposite of a misogynist. A misogynist hates women but uses them anyway. I have always loved and cherished women and mistrusted and generally hated men. This came from my conditioning from my mother and grandmother.

They turned me into a Lady's man, a man almost all women love. However, this came at a terrible price, self hate as a man. Though I could love women I had to hate men and since I was a man I had to hate myself, because all men are bastards(or so I was led to believe by my grandmother and to a lesser degree, my mother. My grandfather abandoned my mother and grandmother when my mother was 18 so my mother had to support herself and her mother until she married my Dad when she was 27. It was a tough act to follow if you know what I mean.

So even though my Dad was a very good breadwinner and financial support and dutiful and a very good husband, he was a man's man. He was NOT a ladies man like I was trained to be by my mother and grandmother. I was conditioned to be a narcissus who needed to be worshipped by women by my mother and grandmother.

If I don't have one (or more) women adoring me then I feel very insecure because of this conditioning the first 21 years of my life. So since I have been 15 I have always had at least one girlfriend to adore me except for two years where I didn't date anyone when I was 29 and single divorced father for the first time and wanted to know who I was as a person one more time before I got involved with anyone again.

The next song is modified from something I think was called "Old child young child feel all right"

I changed the lyrics a little

On a Warm San Diego night

Old child young child feel all right
on a warm San Diego night
Walkin' down the beach
just feelin' the love
Feelin' the love of the ocean
Walkin' past the bonfires with people gathered 'round
Holdin' each other each other in their arms
Just lovin'
Just movin'
Just groovin'
ON a warm San Diego night
ON a balmy La Jolla night
on a lovin' Encinitas night!

I lived Seattle from birth in 1948 until 1952, then San Diego county from 1952 until 1954, then Tujunga(in Los Angeles county) from 1954 until 1956, and then Glendale from 1956 until 1969 and then San Diego County(several locations) from 1969 until 1976, then Mt. Shasta until summer 1977 and so on and so on.