One night I was at Palomar college studying in the library. It likely was fall or spring 1971 so I would have been around 23 years of age. I had been to college before and majored in Computer data processing at age 18 at Glendale College and started working at age 19 or 20 as a computer programmer and computer operator already. However, I had realized that I would not be able to do what I actually wanted to do for another 50 years. I had this idea of building an ideal female companion like I had seen on Star Trek on TV because I was sort of discouraged by my girlfriends up until then. However, this changed when I was 21 and I started to meet girls who were flower children and this made life pretty amazing then even though it also made it a lot more scary too. But, it took my life then in a completely different direction then away from being a Computer Programmer towards studying to become a psychologist which I did for about two years between 1971 and 1973. However, in 1973 my live in girlfriend got pregnant and I had to go back to work to support my family then because my son was born in 1974.
But, in likely 1971 I was sitting in this college library and thinking about a magazine I saw called "Psychology Today" which appears to be available again now once again today as well.
It literally saved my life! I read a few articles and realized that 50% to 90% of the things driving me to suicide had actually absolutely NOTHING to do with me at all!
With this realization I let all this stuff go and started then to move away from thoughts of suicide. Because all the historical guilt of being a white person that goes throughout the history of the U.S., and back into England, Scotland and Europe I just decided to let go of.
This had absolutely nothing to do with me in my life in 1971. I was ONLY responsible for myself, nothing else. If I wanted to stay alive I had to cut all the bullshit historical stuff loose. So, I made a choice to do this. And as a direct result I'm still alive today.
Life is a choice! Death is a Choice!
Don't take on historical bullshit of nations or families unless you want to die soon!
This is just one of my lessons in life.
So then, I also was getting straight As in Philosophy Class. My professor who had studied Zen meditation in Japan and in Temples there became a friend of mine and he and his wife were very helpful in mentoring me forward until I got together with my girlfriend who became my wife.
But, I always look back to 1971 as the year I decided to stay alive and to live and to enjoy my life rather than ending it all because of the past sins of everyone the last 2000 years both here in the U.S. and all the way back to Europe.
Live Free or die!
Let it go if you want to live and to be able to actually raise your children healthy and free.
Or you will just be another grave in the graveyard like so many before you before their time.
This was during the awful awful time of the Viet Nam war where the nation was completely torn apart. It still hasn't really healed from all that even now.
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