It's not often that your whole life makes sense in one day. However, I had this kind of day today. I find often it comes along with a fairly long illness. After not getting a cold or any chest colds for about 5 years time suddenly I couldn't stop the post nasal drip or the bronchitis that everyone seems to be getting since about January here in the U.S.
I could see how if you are working too many hours at work or your business that you could easily wind up in the hospital with something like this because it wears you down. So, I've been dealing with this thing since about May 20th now and here it is June 4th. To top it off the weather has been awful with high and low fog since the beginning of May and it's been 10 degrees colder than normal since Christmas.
Today I had just had enough of the fogginess high and low and temperatures between 50 and 59 every day for a month and decided to drive inland just so I could see the sun. I took our dog with me for company. So, at least I had about 2 to 3 hours in the sunlight on my face for 2 to 3 hours of driving before I came back home.
I realized for the first time what I have been dealing with more all my life today.
You know how you want to put your parents up on a pedestal if you had good ones like I did?
Well. Today I had to face how PTSD they both were from the Great Depression and World war II. And I had to factor all that into my own personal traumas that I had to deal with. I found myself in a much more honest way of looking at all this.
This changed the way I saw everything in my life. I realized that my first big love affair starting at 16 was a much deeper thing than I realized as a 16 year old. And even though I now know I made the right decision to break up with her I also realized how deeply I actually loved her too.
It doesn't matter how much you love someone if I just cannot work no matter what you do. I know in some ways she never really gave up on me for years and years. However, I couldn't have carried this relationship and knew that always. But, that just means I realized young that this relationship wasn't practical for the long haul. But, that didn't mean I didn't love her deeply.
She passed away in the last year and was married and I finally was able to say goodbye to her being alone with my dog in the car and telling her (now an angel) how much I loved her and cared about her and how I knew it just wasn't going to work in any practical way.
Like people always say: "Love just isn't enough to make things work for you." It's got to be practical too.
So, if it's not practical it's going to destroy you and them and any kids you have. This is just how cruel life actually is always.
But, realizing how deep the love was between us and realizing how messed up my parents were from the Great Depression and World War II made me cry for a couple of hours while driving in my car. It's amazing how these realizations come when you least expect them too and in some ways heal your whole life from birth to the present.
By God's Grace
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