At
a lunchtime workshop at Princeton for overscheduled, underslept college
students a few years ago, I was teaching a three-step practice of
self-compassion. The practice encourages a stance of self-kindness in
the face of setbacks. One 19-year-old college athlete looked askance.
“So, you want me to be nice to myself when I mess up?” she asked. I nodded.
“Doesn’t
that mean that I’ll just sit in my room all day in my pajamas and watch
Netflix?” she asked. Her classmates laughed knowingly. For many in this
driven generation, more of whom than ever now rank themselves as more competitive
than their peers, self-criticism is their Red Bull. By their logic, you
can’t move yourself forward, racking up achievements and building out
your résumé, without beating yourself up.
The
problem, researchers say, is that while self-criticism may give us a
swift kick in the pants, it elevates symptoms of anxiety and depression
in the long run. And this generation of adolescents can hardly afford
much more unhappiness: Today’s teenagers are plagued by more distress
than any generation on record.
According to research by the psychologist Jean Twenge and others, depressive symptoms in teen girls increased by 50 percent between 2012 and 2015, and 21 percent in boys. The number of college students experiencing “overwhelming anxiety” increased to 62 percent in 2016 from 50 percent in 2011.
Enter
self-compassion. First measured by Kristin Neff of the University of
Texas at Austin, the trait has been shown by researchers to ease
symptoms of psychopathology in adults, while bolstering motivation and
high performance standards. In other words, you can be nice to yourself and succeed, absent the Netflix and pajamas.
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Psychologists
have now turned their attention to self-compassion in adolescents.
Their initial findings reveal an unusually powerful intervention for
stressed out young adults, a potential crown jewel of resilience
interventions.
Late last year, Imogen Marsh, Stella Chan and Angus Macbeth at the University of Edinburgh published a meta-analysis of research on self-compassion
in young people in the journal Mindfulness. They synthesized studies on
more than 7,000 adolescents from six countries, ranging in age from 10
to 19. They found that teens with high levels of the trait were most
likely to report lower levels of distress caused by anxiety and
depression — especially when facing chronic academic stress.
Adolescence
is a developmental moment of peak stress, and a teen’s heightened
self-consciousness (“Do I look weird? Did I just sound stupid in
class?”) cranks up the volume of the inner critic. Self-compassion
encourages mindfulness, or noticing your feelings without judgment;
self-kindness, or talking to yourself in a soothing way; and common
humanity, or thinking about how others might be suffering similarly.
This
last step is particularly salubrious for adolescents: Many believe that
“I’m the only one going through this,” which exacerbates feelings of
isolation and shame.
The
teens I work with are prone to catastrophizing when facing a problem
(“I’ll never get into college,” “I’ll never get a good job”). For them,
the mindfulness step of self-compassion — which asks them to zero in on a
feeling instead of an imagined, exaggerated outcome — is especially
grounding. My students find self-kindness most challenging, so I ask
them to imagine how they would comfort a close friend struggling with
the same challenge. “There’s almost no one whom we treat as badly as
ourselves,” Dr. Neff told me.
Skeptics
like the Princeton athlete in my workshop worry that self-compassion is
indolence in disguise: an excuse to lower your standards or give up
instead of “sucking it up” and dealing. As an educator from a mostly
immigrant, bootstrapping family, I once might have agreed with her.
Self-compassion is precisely the kind of New-Agey trend some of my
crustier relatives might have called piffle, a way to brush off mistakes
instead of owning them.
But research shows that self-compassion does not diminish integrity
or standards of accountability. Instead, it lets you own up to a tough
moment without paying for it with your self-worth. This new logic
teaches students that they don’t have to be perfect to be worthy.
I
have been stunned by the reaction of students of all ages to the
practice. In a public high school auditorium in Hopewell Valley, N.J.,
in November, I led more than 600 juniors and seniors through a
self-compassion meditation. I asked them to place their hands on their
hearts, and to feel the pressure and warmth of a kind hand. Their
silence was respectful and profound. Many students were crying. They had
never thought to approach their own setbacks with gentleness.
At
a local elementary school in Northampton, Mass., I volunteer teaching
self-compassion to children as young as 5. Kindergartners share
embarrassing moments (“I fell off the monkey bars in front of my
friends”) and practice hugging themselves as a form of self-soothing.
First graders sit in a circle holding hands, reminding each other they
are not alone.
But
self-compassion may be most critical in adolescence, when researchers
say it is at its lowest levels. This is especially true for teen girls,
who show the lowest levels of self-compassion of any group of youth, and
who experience a sudden drop in the trait between middle and high
school.
Late last year the first self-compassion curriculum for teens, “Making Friends With Yourself:
A Mindful Self-Compassion Program for Teens and Young Adults,” was
developed by Karen Bluth, assistant professor at the University of North
Carolina’s School of Medicine, and Lorraine Hobbs, director of the
youth and family programs at the University of California San Diego
Center for Mindfulness.
Inspired
by a similar curriculum for adults created by Dr. Neff and the
psychologist Christopher Germer, the program’s evaluations revealed
lowered stress in middle and high school participants, compared with
those in a control group. Participants also had lower anxiety and
depression, and elevated resilience and healthy risk taking.
To
teach their children how to show themselves grace in the face of a
challenge, I coach parents to model self-compassion in the face of
everyday setbacks. Instead of cursing at yourself when you lose your
keys, verbalize mindfulness: “I am feeling so frustrated right now.”
When describing a disappointment at work, demonstrate what self-kindness
sounds like: “I did my best, and I’ll make sure not to make that
mistake next time.” When you burn dinner, recognize common humanity:
“Well, I’m pretty sure I’m not the only bummed out parent feeding their
kids pizza tonight.”
Among
college students, the need for such thinking is high. A 2016 report
from the Center for Collegiate Mental Health, using data from 139
college and university counseling centers, found a surge in demand for mental health services,
with anxiety and depression the most common concerns. As schools
scramble to handle it, they might consider training peer educators and
professional staff members in self-compassion.
If
more students use self-compassion to reframe their failures, they may
discover more nourishing sources of motivation and healthier strategies
to pursue their goals.
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