I found most of my adult life to be a struggle. First the struggle was to stay alive at all from about 21 to 25. This at the time was the hardest thing I ever had to do in life. My life before 21 from about zero to 18 was okay because most of the struggle was my father and mother trying to economically support me and my mother's mother. So, the full brunt of life didn't start to hit me full on until my 20s and then I really didn't want to be alive anymore for a few years because it was all just too much to endure.
That's the problem when your childhood is too good and too easy in some ways. It's not that I didn't have problems in childhood but they mostly were dealing with my health like whooping cough at age 2 and a concussion around age 9 and seizures at night from 10 to 15. And then I asked God to come live in my body with me and he did.
No. The real problem was dealing with the lies of adulthood. When I had to face how people are two faced especially in my church it broke my heart and made me want to die so I left. But, this also created me not wanting to live at all without my church family worldwide including girls I might want to marry. So, this was hard and created a lot of struggle in finding a way to not end my life from about 21 to 25 but also to some degree from about 18 to 25 because there were about 3 years where I saw the problems coming and I felt helpless to face these problems and stay alive through them.
Becoming a man isn't an easy thing for anyone because it is a paradox always.
On the one hand you protect those around you but who is going to protect you from yourself?
This is the paradox of becoming a man and many die before 25 or 30 because of this.
By about age 30 I had found a way to move forward and be happy. I was a single father then and met my 2nd wife at age 32 and she was my age and this worked for about 14 years. But then, because my father died this wasn't going to work anymore for a variety of reasons. So from 37 to 50 I was dealing with middle aged crazy of the world and my youth ending and "like a skydiver" the world without a parachute was coming up to meet me and I was scared of my end as a human being.
But then, something good happened to me and I almost died for 9 months and at the beginning the angels came to me and said: "You aren't going to die! Your Life will get better now!" They said this over and over again until every cell in my body believed them. So, I lived. And they were right. After almost dying for about 9 months my life did get better and I was forced to retire permanently and I could pray without ceasing and my life was better and the struggle of adulthood left me I guess permanently and I became sort of like an angel living on earth doing God's work instead like the angels were hinting at.
It's been like this since the fall of 1998 when the angels came just before I went to the hospital.
Since the angels came and I almost died for 9 months I moved into a "STATE of GRACE" where every moment I'm grateful for because I'm still alive in an amazing place with God. This amazing Grace has continued now for 23 years.
By God's Grace
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