Death always seemed like the Easy way out

For me, it started with Whooping cough when I was 2. I can remember often coughing until I turned blue in the face from not being able to breathe and then passing out and then waking up and repeating the whole thing. At a certain point I was exhausted and gave up fighting. When I finally gave up Archangel Michael appeared to me while I was laying on my grandmother's lap in a soft padded rocking chair popular in the 1940s. This was about 1950 at Christmas time.  When they came for me I think I expected to die then but instead I started to get better. Whooping cough had changed me a lot from a very intense child to someone more withdrawn and afraid and shy because I came so very close to death. But, it also made me a very kind and helpful child ever after that where I didn't want others to suffer like I had. I was still instense but that intensity was covered over with shyness whenever I was in public. I still shy away from people I don't know because of whooping cough. There was something about this illness that took away my trust of people generally speaking.

So, unless I know people pretty well I'm very reserved, even though I have always been a physical risk taker ever since. So, physically I have always been fearless ever since those days. But, social situations I'm less confident of. I'm much less trusting of people generally after this horrible experience as a baby that I still remember now at age 68.

So, ever since then the easy way out from the ongoing torture of living in this world was death.

Death was never my enemy. It is more like Life was my enemy because in life there is karma both good and bad and one must be very careful how one treats oneself and others. And then added to all this I have always been an intuitive and knew what others were thinking and feeling. So, this was difficult to deal with too.

So, because of all this I have always considered life to be the horror and not death.

However, then I was 10 and God Gave me Childhood Epilepsy and I wondered "Why are you trying to kill me, God?"

So, rather than die at age 15 I asked God to come into my body and live with me on earth.

The really scary thing about this is he did. And the rest is history now. But, I think if I had it to do over again I likely would do the same thing. Why live in Hell here on earth when you can live in heaven with angels and God?

It is very very very intense to walk around with God always living supernaturally through your body. But, then again some of us need to do this so earth doesn't turn into a complete hell, don't we?