Life is Okay but Death is kind of hard to deal with

My son told me a story that reminded me of "Middle Aged Crazy". This is what he said, "You know when you are little and all you see are puffy white clouds and life seems okay and fun and that nothing really bad is going to happen to you?" I said, "Yes". Then he said, "Well. It is sort of like jumping out of a plane and being with the clouds when you are first born and a little kid until about 12 or so. Life sort of seems okay because you haven't usually had to deal with death yet that much." I said, "Yes." But then he said, "But then you get to be 35 or older and suddenly you notice that the ground is now coming up pretty fast and you are already over 30 and almost 40 and then you say to yourself, "Wow! That ground is coming up pretty fast and then I'm going to die! And that I think is what middle aged crazy is all about. Realizing you're not young anymore and you might have to start preparing for the end of your life."

My experience of middle aged crazy sort of lasted from about 35 all the way to 49 for me. But then, life did me a really great favor. I almost died for about 7 months from a heart virus. So, when one day after thinking I might die for about 7 months my heart specialist finally said, "We finally figured out what was wrong with your heart through the process of elimination, Fred. What was wrong was you had a heart virus." So, I said, "Oh. Thanks." and then I realized I wasn't going to die after all even though I had had to retire in order to survive already. And beyond that anyone I had even heard about that year who had had a heart virus had already died of it except me. So, I was very lucky to be alive at all.

But, you know what? Middle aged crazy was gone forever and replaced by being grateful for each moment I had left. And so worrying about dying was gone because I had already been dying and preparing for death for 7 months. Now it was time to be grateful for each and every moment I had left with my family and friends. And that was now 14 years ago this spring.

But, even though I am grateful for each day of life now the other thing that happened was that this last 14 years of my life at least 20 relatives and close friends have died. So, my experience of this is sort of like being Lazarus in a way while watching 2 out of 3 of my best friends die and about 17 of my closest relatives left alive. So, even though I'm grateful for each day of life, losing so many has been difficult. But, at least I have one good friend from the 1960s that I still ski with at least once a year now and one cousin left that I go sailing with in southern California too. So, life goes on!