If you Can't Be with the one you Love

I've watched people wait all their lives for the right person to walk into their lives and mostly that person never came.

My wife waited 39 years for me and then I came into her life and she says she has been happy ever since.

For me, life has been very different than both of these examples. At first, (until age 21) I was fairly loyal to my 4 steady girlfriends from age 16 to 21. (I was still pretty young) and though I spent the night with a girlfriend by the time I was 16 I was still a technical virgin until age 21). (My parents were lay ministers). But at 21 I was pretty angry at doing all the right things and dating only girls I intended to be serious with or married to and went a different direction. At 21 basically I said, "15 to 21 didn't work for me at all in regard to girlfriends so now my criterea is: "If I know a girl will sleep with me I will go out with her if not I won't". I know this sounds crass but at that time I was trying to stay alive after having my heart seriously broken for the first real time. And dating seemed to be the only way to keep life in my body. As long as a woman cared about me I could stay alive for another day.

At age 25 my then live in girlfriend got pregnant and my son was born and so we got married a month before he was born so he had my last name. And yes, I did love my new wife. But she wasn't a type of person to be a real mother so I wound up being a single father when my son was 3. So my mother stepped in and my son bonded with her as his mother instead. But then at 4 I moved away with my son and married a lady with 2 kids from her 1st marriage when I was 32.

The point I'm trying to get to is that some people wait for true love but for most it either never comes or it comes at the wrong time when you have kids with someone and you know you just have to deny your true love so you don't destroy lives by being stupid.

But then how do you keep going feeling dead inside? Sometimes if you don't take that chance your life seems just so unbearable. And yet you know if you are a practical person that to break a marriage with children up just because you've fallen in love with someone is stupid and usually really bad karma for everyone involved.

But how do you live knowing there is someone out there that means more to you than your own life does? I guess life is like being a soldier on the battlefield and you just live on for your kids. Because if you fail your kids then what good are you to the human race? to yourself? To Anyone?