The very worst experience of my life

You might think that nearly dying so many times (any one of which) would be the worst experience of my life. But NO.

I am at peace with dying and have been since I almost died in 1998 and 1999. So, that isn't my problem. I don't like confusion or pain just like you but death itself I approach always as like going to sleep and waking up somewhere else or just here without your body. So, to me, this isn't something to be afraid of if you have treated all life around you and yourself as good as you could while you were here on earth.

If you haven't done the best you can then you might have something to worry about when you die. Otherwise no.

But, the thing that has haunted me the most is my mother's Senile Dementia which was increased by my promising my father as he was passing on that I would make sure my mother never had to go to an old folks home.

So, why is this coming up now? Because I just discovered this trip to Santa Barbara that a friend of our family also related to us by marriage is now deep into an aspect of Senile Dementia like my mother developed starting around 1999 even before I fully understood what was happening then.

In the present this friend and distant relative is in her 80s and is in a retirement community still because he biggest problem is not thinking that her husband and parents and relatives and friends are not dead when they are.

So, this brings up the problem of: "Do you talk to this person and tell them that all these people are dead so they freak out each time they hear this that all these people that they love are dead? Or do you pretend that what they believe that all these people are alive is true?"

The point is: " They are not going to be able to hang on to the fact of all these deaths anyway. So, imagine you are them and you tell them (for the first time in their mind) that everyone they love is dead.

So, this is just going to traumatize them beyond belief and render them even more incapable of making sense of things more quickly.

The reason I was aware that it was bothering me is that we were going to see this person today but then I forgot (likely because of the Iran war and this situation with this friend (and distant relative) that I couldnt' remember whether I took my Thyroid medicine this morning. This indicated to me that I couldn't go see this person without traumatizing myself because of what happened to my mother. Because if I double dose my thyroid medication it would be like being on Speed all day or maybe 10 cups of coffee for someone who doesn't drink coffee like me.

This showed me that all this was upsetting me in an extreme way subconsciously and that I have to protect myself from this kind of thing so I can be okay in my life.

It's like the Clint Eastwood movie of Dirty Harry when he says: "A Man's got to know his limitations" as he blows a man away because he underestimated Dirty Harry.

So, knowing what you can usefully deal with and what you can no longer usefully deal with is important in life.

For me, the Iran war is a big deal for me because I remember during the Carter Administration the taking of U.S. Embassy personnel of over 400 US Embassy personnel in the early 1980s during the Carter Administration. So, taking Iran back and maybe making it into another Democracy and Friend to this country more like it was under the Shah of Iran before the Ayatollah is a really big deal.

However, dealing with a friend in her 80s losing it I have to step back from because I'm obviously still traumatized from dealing with the last 8 years of my mother's life when she mentally slipped away from me until eventually she went into a death rattle and Coma and died.

Not being able to protect my mother from all this was the very worst experience in my life.

Almost dying many times since 1999 is absolutely nothing in comparison to not being able to help or protect my mother from what she endured from 1999 to 2008 when she died.

So, I have to know my limitations like like "Dirty Harry Said" in his Clint Eastwood movie. I have to be realistic enough to survive anything now for myself and my family and my friends because After all I'm now 77 almost 78 years old and not a young whipper snapper anymore.

By God's Grace I'm still here at all.

By God's Grace