Friday, September 11, 2015

Under the Dome Series Finale?

My wife and I just watched episode 13 of "Under the Dome" We got addicted to this show in the first season and had to see it to the end (which is sort of like watching precocious 8 year olds write a script). But, it was just so crazy like a Sci Fi Soap opera it was sort of like trying not to watch Trump. (No matter what you think of him you just want to hear what crazy thing he is going to  say next). So, I guess according to the following article the series is over (for now). The only thing even close to this was the old "Dark Shadows" crazy soap that used to be on the air.  Under the Dome (all seasons) is available to watch at Amazon if you are interested even though you might have to pay for it. (All the episodes).

Caveat: IF you plan to see the last episode or watch the whole series don't read all this because it gives away the ending. But, if you have seen the last episode already and have seen  the whole series already this is pretty funny.

Under the Dome Series Finale Review: Answers Shmanswers

TV.com via Yahoo! News17 hours agoUnder the Dome S03E13: "The Enemy Within" I am not one of those monkeys who says that "The Enemy Within" was bad television because personally, I found it to be amazing and everything I had hoped and...


Under the Dome Series Finale Review: Answers Shmanswers


TV.com CBS
This article, Under the Dome Series Finale Review: Answers Shmanswers, originally appeared on TV.com.
Under the Dome S03E13: "The Enemy Within"


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I am not one of those monkeys who says that "The Enemy Within" was bad television because personally, I found it to be amazing and everything I had hoped and sacrificed a goat for. In its press release announcing that it had had enough of the show because it was finally not making enough money to stay on the air, CBS promised that the dome's mysteries would be answered. The dome's mysteries were not answered. Hardly anything was answered. But life is full of great mysteries that should never be answered because the unknown gives our lives purpose. What is the meaning of life? Where do babies come from? Why does Sam's neck have the Bellagio fountains for sweat glands? How did a room full of four-year-olds get together to write Under the Dome?
"The Enemy Within" was like Tony Soprano eating at a diner and then the screen cutting to black for an hour, and frankly, that's exactly what it should have been. To reveal all the mysteries of the dome would be to remove all the unknown from our otherwise pathetic and banal lives. But if you must know, I think it was aliens. The entire series was open to interpretation, just as the greatest works of arts are. Is the Mona Lisa smiling or she in the middle of a fart? Only the heavens know.
Some of you might be here to find out what happened under the dome, and to you I say good luck. For it was an hour that needed to be experienced firsthand in order to be fully understood. But if you must engage yourself with the photographic recapulation of this masterpiece, carry on, and let's explore the events of "The Enemy Within," the series finale of Under the Dome.
If you'll recall, the alien slime baby that squirted out of Eva's hoo-ha two episodes ago was designated the new queen, thrown into a crib made out of purple intestines, siphoned the life force out of Christine and the dome, became adult-sized within an hour, moved at physically impossible speeds, looked liked a shadow, looked like Eva with an overdose of mascara, and then killed Christine by smashing her against the dome until she dissolved into a bunch of vectors. She even named herself Dawn. That's pretty advanced for a three-day-old baby! My baby is about 650 days old and she hasn't even watched The Wire yet! So for this alien slime baby queen thingy, giving a rousing speech and barking orders at her minions was no problemo.


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And her army of television extras was ready. And sweaty. Just wear a terry-cloth scarf, Sam, for cryin' out loud.


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Adult-sized alien queen baby Dawn would need to rally her troops with motivating words, for the Resistance was strong. Taking down these masterminds would require a cunning plan. Dawn's plan? Walk up to them with guns and tell them to surrender. It worked. Christine spent days, maybe weeks, maybe 15 minutes—time is merely a concept in this show—trying to squash these dome haters and Dawn got shit done after just ONE scene.
And of course Barbie was shocked to see his dead baby momma standing right before him, except it was his daughter, except she was born a few days ago, except she was also an alien.


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In a picture-perfect example of Under the Dome logic at its best, Dawn threw everyone in the Resistance in jail to use as leverage against Joe so he would finish the Domesday device, and then Joe used his ability to build a Domesday device as leverage against Dawn so she would release them. Sneaky plan, Joe! Barbie went with Dawn to carry some purple rocks, Hunter, Norrie, and Lily (apparently she's actually a real character in this show) went with Joe to help him build the Domesday device, and Julia and Big Jim were left in the cell to rot forever. Well, forever was a relative term because Jim requested his dog named Plot Convenience because the pooch had a key to the jail cell around his neck. Either I missed Big Jim putting that particular key around Plot Convenience's neck in an earlier episode or the writers just said, "F it, we really do not care anymore at this point, but we wrote that Big Jim and Julia were in jail and we ran out of White-Out so we can't erase it. Let's just say the dog had a key to that particular cell around his neck."


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Next: Two morons fight for a crappy job

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Meanwhile, kiss-ass Sam was making moves to be the adult-sized queen alien baby's alpha, and all it took was for him to tell Dawn that people wanted to kill her. Junior, who had developed a real case of the hornies for queen slime aliens, be they MILFy or mere days old, was not thrilled.


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When you mess with what Junior wants you may as well suck on some car exhaust because he will not let that stuff slide. No way would he allow some chump who looked like an older version of himself get in the way of him getting his fourth girlfriend in four weeks!


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FIGHT TO THE DEATH!!!!!


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There is no honor in fighting for to be the queen slime alien's alpha, and Sam resorted to literally dirty tricks.


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R.I.P. Sam, I'm sure someone somewhere had great plans for his character, but after he axe-murdered Angie he was of zero significance to anything except for having sex with a suicidal alcoholic mother. Let's take one last look at the tidal ebb and flow of his glorious upper chest perspiration with this chronological neck-sweat-highlight reel from this episode. It's like his chin sprung a leak and tiny elves were able to repair it every five minutes before it broke again. You can see the moment it broke when he was talking to Dawn.


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Next: Poor Kyle. Wait, who is Kyle?

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The violence did not stop there. I know the biggest question leading into the series finale was, "What would happen to Kyle?" and the second biggest question was, "Who the f*ck is Kyle?" Well, Big Jim killed Kyle with a golden baseball.


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Baseball seam blood marks on his forehead? Oh sure NOW Under the Dome pays attention to details. R.I.P. Kyle. We hardly knew ye. What did you have, four scenes total? If Under the Dome could kill Kyle, then NO ONE WAS SAFE. You would think that the death of Kyle would be the grand finale of the series finale, but you would be stupid. Because S was about to get real.
Dawn was already beginning to show why a three-day-old adult-sized baby shouldn't be in charge of an alien takeover of Earth because she let her daddy Barbie—her greatest threat—out of jail because he had big manly arms and he could carry giant purple rocks. Then once Barbie brought the rock over and Joe's Domesday device was set up, Dawn let him go free to be with Julia despite her previous scene being a monologue about how dark and evil she was now. Would letting go the most competent member of the Resistance that was set to destroy her come back and bite her in the ass? That's a question for the fates to determ—oh hell, it would come back and bite her in the ass.
Junior randomly showed up out of the woods to lay claim to his 'tang.


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Either Dawn has a type—tall, strapping white dudes with floppy dark hair—or courting Dawn was easy as saying, "I'm your boyfriend." She was DTF anyone who'd ask. Their relationship firmly established, Dawn immediately blurted out her entire plan to Junior so that the audience knew what was going on, but it made absolutely zero sense because we still didn't know what the purpose of the dome was. Dawn was going to take down the dome and then leave and make a new dome once she found a new egg and start the whole process all over again. Or something.
But first things first: this stupid calcifying murderous egg-free dome had to go! At last we saw Joe's master dome-destroying plan in action!


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Dawn the adult-sized queen alien baby walked around to each purple rock and whistled a tone, kinda like one of those ditties you played in Ocarina of Time, and each rock glowed and made an annoying sound.


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While Dawn the adult-sized queen alien baby whistled at the glowing rocks she literally recapped what happened this season (short answer: stuff), reminding us all that we wasted our time watching each episode because we could have turned on the TV right then and there and been just as confused as someone who had dissected every millisecond of Season 3. I'll give it a shot though, after rewatching Dawn's incoherent blathering 14 times in a row. When Big Jim broke the glowing egg, the dome's cycle of whatever it was supposed to do was interrupted. So Christine asked Joe to find a replacement for the egg or something, but the Resistance destroyed the amethysts except for one. And if Joe found an egg replacement, the dome would know when to set everyone free? That was her big villain speech. If you understood any of that or accepted that as a reasonable explanation for what happened the past 12-and-a-half episodes, then you are on drugs and can I have some?
Next: Will the dome actually come down? FIND OUT!

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Joe had questions about the whole process of his anti-dome device, specifically why there were seven glowing rocks but eight tones in the whistling song.


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And that's when Dawn the adult-sized queen alien baby sprung the big twist on him: NORRIE WOULD BE THE EIGHTH THINGAMABOB! Wait, what? Yep, to add some stakes to this insanity, Norrie would step inside Domehenge and make mouth noises to bring the dome down, and she would forever be under the aliens' spell. But Joe wouldn't allow that!


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F U, DOME! GTFO out of Chester's Mill you calcifying alien bubble! The shockwaves sent everyone flying, but my all-time favorite shot was the one where Hunter got blown out of his wheelchair.


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HOORAY! We won! Except there were 20 minutes left? What!? Mama mia.
Next: Parents' murderous love for their children

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Thankfully, the final 20 minutes flew by on account of terrible clock management by the plotting. With the dome destroyed, the next phase in Operation Kill Adult-Sized Queen Alien Baby was to kill the adult-sized queen alien baby. And that didn't sit well with Junior, who was now her boyfriend and frankly, was pretty sick of seeing his previous three girlfriends (Angie, Melanie, Christine) get killed. That's just bad luck for Junior and I totally sympathize with him. I guess the only way to end this repeating cycle of relationship blues was to kill him. Take it away, Big Jim!


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I'm guessing showrunner Neal Baer had an argument with his kids before writing this episode because if parents murdering their children were your thing, then boy were you in luck with these back-to-back scenes. Dawn the adult-sized queen alien baby was sneaking out through the cement factory tunnels, and of course, she had to walk over a rickety board that crossed a gaping chasm that opened into the depths of the earth.


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Hooray! Happy ending! Except there were 16 minutes left? What was this episode's problem? It was like watching a Lord of the Rings marathon except even more boring if that is possible. The dome was down, the adult-sized queen alien baby was halfway to China, but still, "The Enemy Within" would not end. What could be left? *GROAN* Military coverup *GROAN*
Next: Sweet merciful relief from this nonsense and Ted

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Somewhere out from underneath the dome and far away from or near Chester's Mill, a grumpy military colonel was getting Barbie's story about what happened and recapped everything while sideflashes of the military quarantining everyone played over his narration. This shot of Barbie getting hosed down shirtless was particularly gratuitous. Did this actually happen or was this just the colonel's fantasy? Don't ask, don't tell, sir!


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This entire interrogation scene went on way, way, way too long but it was worth it when the colonel trolled us really hard by saying, (actual dialogue) "Unfortunately, the story about body-snatching aliens and pink stars is not a story we can allow the world to know." Where were you when this heap of garbage was being pitched to CBS, colonel? He could have saved us all sorts of time and brain trauma.
Big Jim took the opportunity to be the military's spokesperson as a trusted pillar of society (a trusted pillar of society who smuggled explosive gas and drugs, murdered people, and shot innocent TVs) and agreed to tell the military's fake story in exchange for compensation.
Then, after spending three seasons that spanned four weeks, Under the Dome flash-forwarded 52 weeks! What the F was everyone up to now that there was no dome to confine them?


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But what about Ted? What was he doing. Ted was still an asshole. F*ck Ted. Under the Dome didn't let me down in the series finale, saving the best scene in the entire series for late in the run.
A lot of you might think, "Why was this scene in here and who is Ted?" Well it's very important, because now you know that Ted is an asshole. I think a spin-off starring Ted is in order. I'm thinking he travels the country thinking of ways to kill his bitchy wife. We'll call it Bring Out Your Ted.
Ted detour aside, Big Jim called the Resistance (minus Joe) back together because his eyes and ears across the country (Hunter) spotted something everyone needed to see:


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The Resistance agreed that they wouldn't let the aliens body snatch any more human beings, and I think if there were a Season 4, it would involve these two hobos, a handicapped NSA kid, Lily (for some reason), congressman Big Jim, Private Norrie, and hopefully Ted stopping another dome from coming up. And it would have been even worse than you could imagine. And I kid you not, this is how Under the Dome ended:


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We never actually learned where the dome came from aside from some glowing egg. We never found out what the dome was for. We don't know where these aliens came from or why they needed to live on Earth. We don't know why Chester's Mill was chosen, and we don't know if there were more aliens coming. We just know that there was a dome that randomly popped up in a Stephen King-ian town in the Northeast. And you know what, I'm totally fine with that. Watching Under the Dome for three years was one of the worst and best experiences of my entire life and I will never regret it. Under the Dome, I will miss you so hard. And to you all, who shared in my misery each summer week, thank you most of all. But we totally got what we deserved.

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  • Under the Dome Series Finale Review: Answers Shmanswers

    Under the Dome Series Finale Review: Answers Shmanswers

    TV.com via Yahoo! News17 hours agoUnder the Dome S03E13: "The Enemy Within" I am not one of those monkeys who says that "The Enemy Within" was bad television because personally, I found it to be amazing and everything I had hoped and...

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