Writing

 What's inside you slowly bubbles up from your subconscious. Like today I was uneasy and couldn't quite figure out why I was uneasy. When I took a nap tonight about 10 pm and then woke up at midnight I finally figured out why I was upset today. I thought it was because my older daughter spent 2 weeks with her husband here from Christmas Eve until a few days ago and then returned from Southern California on her way north on business in another state. But, after my nap from 10 pm to midnight I realized it was something else.

My older daughter is now a digital Film editor and works on projects in Hollywood only she likes it because she can work at home on this kind of job on digital projects because she can use her skills online now and not be exposed to Covid this way.

Well. She started digitizing 8mm movies from the 1960s where I saw myself in movies as a 12, 14, 18, 20 and 21 year old when my parents were alive and I was young including when my older cousin became a lawyer and could afford a 22 foot Columbia 22 Sailboat that he sailed to Catalina a lot over the years. I was the first one to sail with him by the way when he bought this boat. So, basically we learned to sail out to sea together then. However, I had been in a sailboat race from Long Beach to Ensenada, Mexico with my father on a friend's boat which was a 40 foot Bounty II fiberglass sloop that he built up into a wonderful sailing yacht himself on weekends. We sailed to Ensenada with 3 TWA passenger jet pilots who all were fighter pilots during World War II by the way in 1960 when I was 12 years old.

So, when I saw myself on a physical level I was young and slim and good looking and the girls all loved me then. But, how I saw myself is that I was torn up inside by everything that had happened to me growing up then. I was not okay with being alive that much then for a variety of reasons.

But, I was also a survivor and intelligent and practical enough to survive everything in my life too. So, I realized that all these 8 mm movies my daughter was digitizing forced me to see who I was then in another light that I hadn't really thought of before and I found it all both wonderful and disturbing both in an extreme way subconsciously.

Now, I have peace in my life and enlightenment in my life but also I'm 73 now. So, I'm happier than I ever expected to be ever in my life now at 73 even though we are all living through Covid.

So, I was faced with the complete paradox of my life of being handsome as a young man and desirable to women of all ages while sort of being so confused that I sort of wanted to be dead between ages 20 and 21 especially.

The point is Life is a complete Paradox and the lesson of life is you either embrace the Paradox or you are soon dead.

Peace is acceptance of things being the way they are. Enlightenment is realizing the universe is the way it is and you can accept it or you can kill yourself.

So, embrace the paradox of life because that is the key to peace and enlightenment.

by God's Grace