Living in Denial

My wife and I were at our weekly visit to our nutritionist. We have gone there about every week for 6 months now. If I were going to Weight Watchers or something like that I wouldn't have lasted more than a week or two. But since it is just our nutritionist who is about my age so I can relate to her and so can my wife I'm not embarrassed by it like I would be at Weight Watchers. My wife so far has lost about 25 pounds in 6 months which is really good. However, I have lost 6, then gained 5 then lost 3 then gained 4 then lost 6 then gained 5 etc. to where I'm within a couple of pounds of where I started in the spring. Originally, she had mentioned that losing weight is a psychological and physical thing combined and I guess I have always known that. And I have always realized that I gained some weight when my now 15 year old daughter was born (and on her way) because I was very afraid at the time that I might lose them both. In fact, if there weren't caesarian sections both would have died. So, I was right about being worried then. But after the birth neither I nor my wife ever fully shed all our weight. And now 15 years later it is important that we do if we are interested in living 40 or more years more. For a long time I thought I was going to die in 1999 (my daughter was born in 1996) and so I struggled not to die from my heart virus so my daughter could have a father growing up. So I succeeded in staying alive for her and my wife and the rest of my kids and family and friends. But always I was never completely sure that I wanted to be alive for me. I always knew I wanted to be alive for others like any responsible person would but this has been an ongoing struggle for me to feel like I want to be alive just for me. I like riding my motorcycle and walking my dogs and studying whatever I'm interested in and traveling all around the world, but that doesn't always mean I want to be alive and to stay alive for me. I think by now I have come so close to death so many times that I kind of view myself as both dead and alive at the same time so I live in a kind of heaven realm with the angels sort of all the time even while I'm in my body enough to carry on a conversation, drive a car and to deal with every day problems. I often say I'm sort of like a fireman waiting for fires to put out. So, like whenever the trash needs to be put out I'm there or if there is a spider my wife or daughter can't deal with I'm there. (Usually if it is possible I never kill insects like spiders unless they are black widows, brown recluses, or they just won't co-operate to let me put them outside. So, we have now quite a managerie of spiders having set up camp outside our house from being put out over the years. They keep the flies and mosquitoes in check so we don't have problems with them at least. So, we have all these little spider guardians of our house sort of like watchdogs. I find it kind of funny.

Anyway, the last time I went to see our nutritionist I was able to tell her that my main obstacle to losing weight is psychological. I traced the problem back to breaking up with my ex-wife. My nutritionist and wife said I need to let go any feelings of guilt or loyalty to my ex-wife in order to lose my weight. I guess I had to agree with them. I said, "Won't my ex-wife ever get over living in denial?" Then my nutritionist rolled her eyes and said, "Look at all the women in Europe and places like that whose husband dies when they are 20 or 25 and they walk around in black the rest of their lives. All their attention from people comes from the fact that their husband died. No. Some women can live in denial all the way to their graves." I sort of sat there horror struck as I realized that this might be the fate of my ex-wife too. It was then when I realized I had to find a way to move on and stay alive so I wasn't another fatal victim of an ex-wife in full denial for life. Men tend to move on and start a new life when things go wrong. Sometimes women just live in fairy tales of their own making that have no basis in fact or reality. Such is life. I must move on so I can loose weight and stay alive for my new wife (since 1995) and all my children. Maybe I'll live to 100 or more.

Remember the Koan: "If you live to be 100, you will see 500
                                     If you live to see 500, you will see 1000
                                     If you live to see 1000 you will see 5000
                                     If you live to see 5000 you will see 10,000"

We all live in a world where many if not most of us will see this come to pass. I'm sure of it as an intuitive now. It's just a matter of time. What a truly paradoxical world we now live in!