Grief is a good thing

When I was going to see a counselor during my divorce in 1994 and 1995 I said, "I seem to be getting sick a lot lately." She said, "That's a good sign because some people don't deal with their grief right and they don't stay sane. So, if you are having health problems that usually means you are going to be mentally healthy from my experience as a counselor. Since she was close to retirement I realized she was probably right.

The only reason I'm saying this is that allowing yourself to grieve and not just overmedicating yourself with alcohol or drugs might be helpful to your long term recovery and mental, emotional and spiritual health.

One of the things a person can do if they can afford it is to go to a Grief Counselor. Many counselors are trained to deal with loss. So, when my wife's mother passed away we went to a grief counselor. We have been going ever since only now we go just to fine tune our relationship so it works more smoothly ongoing. We used to go once every two weeks and now its just monthly or less. But, we still find it helpful to keep everything working smoothly in our lives and our children's lives.

When my father died in 1985 my life ended and not only that I knew my 2nd marriage was going to end eventually too. I think if we weren't raising children together we might have broken up by 1987. My 2nd wife had not lost her father or mother yet so she had no idea just how devastated I was by my father's loss.

When I had divorced my first wife and then had to raise my 3 year old son by myself it felt like someone had cut my right arm off in the pain I felt in getting a divorce and it's effect on my first wife, my son and I. But, when my father died it was like someone cutting my heart out. It left me bereft. I had played music and sang on piano an keyboards since I was 8  years old with the choir in my church and had played Grand piano and organs in church from about age 12 to 21 various churches in the western United States that I was affiliated with. But, when my father died I found I couldn't deal with the feelings that came up when I played so I pretty much stopped playing music and I stopped making male friends because I realized I couldn't afford to lose anyone else I was that close to.

So, the loss of my father was the beginning of the end of my 2nd marriage. So, even though it lasted another 9 years before we broke up for the last time. I knew we wouldn't be together for life. Trust was gone when my father died. I realized I wasn't as grown up as I thought I was before my father passed away.

But still, grief is a good thing. It allows us to become new people and to move on. That's what it's for. When you lose a parent, a friend, a lover, a wife, an acquaintance, whatever, you have to find a way to become someone else to cope with your life. Because if it is someone important you will never be the same person ever again.

And maybe that's a good thing.