SLAA

I was reading the Times Magazine tonight and was looking at an article called: "The Truth About Sex Addiction". I thought maybe I could share some insights about all this from my own life. 

I guess it all started really when I was about 16 and started dating a 21 year old. To make matters more interesting my parents approved of this relationship because the girl was a member of our church. And even though I spent more than one night with this girl and went steady one year together, we did not have intercourse until we had broken up and I had gone 2 years each with 2 different girls. But the 21 year old was my first that I went all the way with. 

So, I guess what I'm saying is relationships at the very least are very confusing for almost everyone. However, then I realized that though the 21 year old was one of my very best friends that I was also deeply in love with the other two girls that I went steady with for 2 years. At this point I felt very very confused because, in a sense I loved all 3 girls just in different ways. At the time I really didn't want to be choosing anyone single person to be staying with my whole life. So, even at 21 I felt like I really wasn't ready to settle down with anyone and wondered if I ever would. Then, one of the two girls I felt really close with got married to a rocket scientist in Texas when she was 22 and moved out of California to Texas. Recently, I told her that I had loved her and she asked me why I didn't tell her then. I said, "I didn't know if or when I would be ready to settle down and I remember being married to you in a past life and I couldn't make you happy long term." This might have confused her more but you know how strange all our feelings are anyway.

At this point I felt destroyed by all three of these relationships that started at age 16 and all ended by age 21. Since I was still basically a virgin even though I had spent more than one night with my first girlfriend who was 21, I decided that I wouldn't try to date girls that I intended to marry and that instead I would only date girls that would sleep with me because I was really angry that I had been a perfect gentleman with all these girls and all it did was make me completely crazy and it was all for nothing.

To make some sense of this the years starting at age 15 would be 1963 and 21 would be 1969. So, if a girl wanted me and I wanted her that was good enough for me for the next 4 years from 21 to 25 when I started living with my girlfriend and she got pregnant so we decided to marry. So, for the next 4 years I was faithful to my girlfriend and then wife until she divorced me when I was 29 and I got custody of our son who was then 3 years old. However, relationships are mostly about precedent. What I mean by precedent is that once you know how to start relationships it is really quite easy to start another and another and another and it sort of becomes an addiction of sorts. However, once you become a parent your first responsibility is to your child or children. I never thought that my allegiance was to a girlfriend or wife. No. I always saw my allegiance to my children and my allegiance to my girlfriend or wife was just a part of the allegiance and a lifetime of commitment to my children. So, at least for me, I can see no reason at all to be married to anyone unless you are raising children or have raised children together. But that's just me.

So, the point of all this is that once you embark down the path of multiple sexual relationships before marriage, the precedent of doing that is hard to break. Just like riding a bicycle or motorcycle or flying a plane, once you know how to do that you can do that on a moments notice. And if you are married and raising children there is only one sure way to stop creating new sexual relationships as a man. You simply must stop flirting. 

Flirting is playfully talking to women. I was always very very good at this but once you are good at this then if you are married raising children you just can't do it anymore if you want to stay married and raising your children. It's as simple as that. I now have been married 3 times and I was faithful to my first and 3rd wives, but not my 2nd because I just didn't learn the "No Flirting" lesson soon enough. But I have been faithful to my present wife since 1994 which is the longest time I have been faithful to anyone. Before my present wife the longest I had been faithful to anyone was the 4 years I was with my first wife. So, if you want to stay married and to raise your children your first rule absolutely has to be: "No Flirting" I know it sounds dumb and doing it breaks my heart and makes me feel empty inside. But isn't it worth the sacrifice to see your kids grow up with two parents, especially if you didn't?

By the way SLAA means (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous)