Have enough compassion for yourself to stay alive

When I was about 21 my world came apart. Likely in the long run this was a very good thing. But, in the short run (3 to 4 years) it almost cost me my life.

What do I think about that time in my life now?

I think many people helped me stay alive by talking me into staying alive. Even though from my point of view then I had no reason to stay alive anymore. This was not an every day occurrence but at least once a week I had to struggle not to drive my car off a cliff somewhere or drive my 1968 Camaro over 140 miles per hour somewhere on a curved road. This would be 1969 until about 1973.

Why did I stay alive in the end?

Mostly because I couldn't do this to my parents. This was the main reason. But, if I think deeper now it was compassion for myself because I couldn't live (or die) with harming my parents who had always been very good to me and been not only parents but good friends and life coaches.

So, I had to have enough compassion for myself to recognize that I couldn't do this to my parents. Because at that age I really didn't see myself that separate from my parents even though I was counter culture and a college student and they were not. Somehow, they knew I was going through a lot and wanted me to stay alive because I was there only child.

So, because they had always done right by me (even if I didn't always agree with them about everything). I still owed them some loyalty and kindness by staying alive and not taking my own life during that very difficult time in my life.

However, part of what I did was to counsel other teens and college students (mostly 18 to 25) to not commit suicide. To me, this helped not only them it helped me as well to stay alive.

I can blame the social revolution for some of how I felt (maybe 50%). But, in the end I have to take responsibility and not blame that part of my life on others. After all, the world saw me as an adult even if I was living in two worlds. One world was how people saw the world before about 1960 and the other was the way people saw the world in California after about 1965 or 1970.

This was always difficult for people to make this quantum jump. It was hard for me too.

But, in the end I'm still alive because my parents raised me right and didn't abandon me when I changed a lot starting about 1968 and 1969. They stood by me when others didn't.

So, because of them and because of my loyalty to them and their beliefs I'm still alive today even though my father passed away in 1985 and my mother in 2008.

I'm their legacy now along with my own children and grandchild. Life goes on whether we want it to or not.

Life goes on with us or without us.

I'm really glad now I stayed alive to see my 30s and to see my 50s until now. MY 20s and my 40s sucked pretty bad though.

But, out of it came my first marriage and my son  and then later 2 daughters. Once my children started being born I had reason enough to stay alive for them. Life is good.

Just remember 33 is the physically happiest most people ever get.

However, as a person I have been happiest since I was 50 which is also true of most people on earth.

I guess if you can survive to 50 it's sort of all gravy from there. At least that's what I like to think.

So, have enough compassion for yourself to stay alive. And remember your parents and spouses and friends too. Stay alive for them and your kids.