Pride

Some of you might think Pride is a good thing. This article is more in the vein of "pride comes before the fall". When I was young I was arrogant which is a form of false pride though at the time I might have just called it testosterone. There is a saying that says, "Young people do impossible things because they believe they can and sometimes do." This was true of me too. I accomplished things because no one told me I couldn't and at the time I really could have cared less if I had died trying. This is probably a very good description of many young unmarried men who are adventurous the way I was before I got married. When I got married and had a son I had to do things that were new for me like not rock climbing and not dating other women because I wanted to be alive to raise my son so he always had a father and I didn't just die doing one adventurous thing or another.

My father had a lot of pride and was very unbending in this. He was also a very intense man and though he never hit or beat me was a rage-aholic. In other words he yelled a lot. But usually only for good reasons. However, he was very self disciplined and never once hit me or Mom. He had already seen what happens when people do that in his own family. Besides, Mom was a very mellow, centered and emotionally balanced woman which had a very calming affect on my father. She was very good for him.

I found I just couldn't be as prideful as my Dad. The closest I could get to where he
"lived" was to be young and arrogant. My Dad worried about me a lot because of the risks I always was taking. After having whooping cough and childhood epilepsy my view of living in a human body on earth was that life was pretty crazy. So being very intelligent my reaction to all this was being very kind to people because of what I had been through while in my own relationship with myself I was terminal macho. Some call this being self destructive. However, I found that like my Dad if I even had one woman, one calming influence in my life I might stay alive. Because of my childhood illnesses I found myself always taking risks. It was sort of like I was always trying to outdo myself. I wasn't competitive with others. That didn't bring me joy. It took me until I was in my 30s to finally give a name to the quality I had. I was completely ruthless. I didn't do anything unless I knew I would succeed and win. I always got the girl(from the time I was about 15 on). No one could ever compete with me because I didn't compete. Whatever I set out to do I didn't talk about it I just did it and it was done. I was ruthless. I don't necessarily mean this in a bad way. It was just a necessary component of survival as far as I was concerned.

So, pride for me wasn't what it was for most people. For me, pride was not dying. Pride was more for me (after age 15 and surviving childhood epilepsy) a spiritual pride. I couldn't compete with my fathers rigid pride so I developed my own style,my own individual form of pride that was totally different from my Dad. I didn't even want to compete with him because he and my Mom were always my best friends. It just wasn't right to compete with them. So I didn't.

The death of whatever normal pride I had took place when I was excommmunicated from my parents church(the one I was raised in since babyhood). This was the single biggest death of my family pride that I have ever experienced. I felt I had failed my parents somehow and I contemplated suicide both directly and indirectly for several years. I made it a point to always have a girlfriend or a wife after that. My loyalty and love to my girl friend always kept me from killing myself after that.

I remember one time after my first wife and I broke up I was driving my 1968 camaro and was feeling so much pain. I was going to drive into a telephone pole at about 80 mph to end it all when I realized I had my 3 year old son in the back seat so I couldn't do that. So my son saved both our lives that day. This is always the way for me. I stay alive so that I can be there for others. This altruism has always kept me alive to take care of others. Otherwise I think I would have died by age 21.