The 15 most outrageous Joan Rivers quotes ever
From the woman who said, 'I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.'
Comedian Joan Rivers poses next to her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame,July 26, 1989.
Photo by AP
Sep. 4, 2014 | 10:46 PM
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Allison Kaplan Sommer
| Jul. 26, 2014 | 1:15 AM
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Comedian Joan Rivers died in New York on Thursday, aged 81.
Known for her no-holds-barred humor, touching on subjects as varied and "indelicate" as her sex-life, plastic surgery ("I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware”) and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, here is our pick of her 15 most outrageous quotes:
1. "I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
2. “All I ever heard when I was a kid was, ‘Why can’t you be more like your cousin Sheila?’ And Sheila had died at birth.”
3. "I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid."
4. "You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it."
5. "At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!"
6. "I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery."
7. “My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.”
8. "People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."
9. "My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks."
10. “Grandchildren can be so fucking annoying. How many times can you go, ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel.”
11. “You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.”
12. “I can’t wear yellow anymore. It’s too matchy-matchy with my catheter.”
13. "My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
14. "I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it."
15. "I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs."
And two bonus Jewish jokes:
1. I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
2. On supermodel Heidi Klum: "The last time a German looked this hot was when they were pushing Jews into the ovens."
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The 15 most outrageous Joan Rivers quotes ever
Known for her no-holds-barred humor, touching on subjects as varied and "indelicate" as her sex-life, plastic surgery ("I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware”) and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, here is our pick of her 15 most outrageous quotes:
1. "I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
2. “All I ever heard when I was a kid was, ‘Why can’t you be more like your cousin Sheila?’ And Sheila had died at birth.”
3. "I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid."
4. "You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it."
5. "At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!"
6. "I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery."
7. “My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.”
8. "People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."
9. "My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks."
10. “Grandchildren can be so fucking annoying. How many times can you go, ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel.”
11. “You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.”
12. “I can’t wear yellow anymore. It’s too matchy-matchy with my catheter.”
13. "My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
14. "I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it."
15. "I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs."
And two bonus Jewish jokes:
1. I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
2. On supermodel Heidi Klum: "The last time a German looked this hot was when they were pushing Jews into the ovens."
end quote from:
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