So, I would say I was in danger of self destructing because of not knowing fully who I was or where I was going from about age 18 to 24. In fact, I did a couple of 360s direction wise before I started to find myself.
Strangely enough, I found myself by becoming a father and holding God in my arms as my son. As soon as my son was born my life made sense. It wasn't that marriage made sense to me it was that being a father finally made sense to me.
Before then it had been a kaleidoscope of girlfriends since I was about 15. I think women are the most wonderful confusing experience of any young man's life. So, to me, women were sort of like being addicted to a drug. Each woman in my life was my drug addiction sort of. I can say this now but then I likely wouldn't have looked at it in this way. So, finally when my son was born I could say to myself, "Oh. This is what all that craziness was about the last 10 years of my life!"
So finally, at age 26 when my son was born I had a good reason to stay alive and not just take so many risks mountain Climbing or rock climbing or riding motorcycles or anything else outdoors that I did so my son could grow up. My friends were starting to die from things like Rock Climbing and other physical risk taking endeavors so having my son to stay alive to raise right so he grew up right sort of saved my life from other things.
By the time I was 32 I met my second wife and I began "Living the Dream". While many people I knew were "Born died 20 buried 60" like is on the gravestones of many in graveyards everywhere. Somehow I had resurrected into a whole new life. I was happy and began to live my dream of building a cabin remote in the Wilderness on 2 1/2 acres while we home schooled our kids on Independent study through Oak Meadow School:
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Enrollment: High School. Oak Meadow High School Catalog. The Oak Meadow
At this point living my dream with my wife and kids (2 from her first marriage and 1 from my first marriage) was an idyllic experience for about 5 to 7 years.
Since about age 33 is the physically happiest people ever get this time in my life was also the physically happiest I had ever been or would be.
I was living my dream and loving it and raising my kids and home schooling them and life was amazing!
I think the 5 years from when I was 32 until I was about 37 when my father died has given me the strength to survive everything that has happened since. Living my dreams for those 5 years gave me enough hope in my life to stay alive and to be alive now.
But, 37 to about 45 I almost didn't survive because my marriage then turned from the best experience in my life to the worst. So the first 7 years we were together were the best and the next 7 years we were together were the worst. I think the best reason I could give for this was my father died and I was completely unprepared for what that would do to me and how much it would change me in my life. Also, about that time middle aged crazy set in. My son's description of this is that when you are little it is like bailing out of a plane without a parachute, the fluffy white clouds are so wonderful as you fall through space and everything is warm and fuzzy. But then, around your mid thirties to early 40s you suddenly look down and that ground is now coming up pretty fast and with that ground is certain death. So, middle aged crazy is realizing you are eventually going to die sometime between your late 30s and somewhere about 100. The problem is you don't know when.
But then, something wonderful happened to me, I almost died for about 7 months straight. But, then I was cured. They actually found out what was wrong and told me I might live a long life now. So, my state of mind was sort of, "I'm grateful for each moment I have left alive!" Middle Aged crazy was gone with living with real death every day for 7 months. I had had to retire to survive. But, now, every moment was a blessing. I no longer worried dying. I had already died. I was living a dream each moment I have left.
I no longer fear death at all. Crazy is scary but not death. Death is just a change like going to sleep at night and waking up in a new day somewhere else. So, I no longer fear death just crazy especially after taking care of my mother with senile dementia in a care facility from 2001 to 2008. Senile dementia and Alzheimers are fatal diseases in the end. Her doctors told me she likely would have lived to be 100 or more if she didn't have it because her heart was just so very healthy. But, life is what happens while we are busy making other plans.
So, my thought is to take my own life if I sense myself becoming dysfunctional past a certain point. However, others say to me, "You won't know if that point ever comes!" Which is a good point too.
My dream before reaching that point likely would be to go to someplace I like where it is snowing and go out on the porch without a jacket somewhere and maybe sip some brandy until I was gone.
I used to dream of going out into the snow on skis into a blizzard and not coming back but that likely would freak my family out too much if they found my carcass half eaten by wolves, bears, raccoons or large birds. So maybe, the best way might be to go out onto a veranda in a snowy cold place and have a brandy and go to sleep and not wake up one night.
However, one never knows what life will bring. Often the universe and God and Jesus and Saint Germain will say things to me like, "If you live to 100 you will be 500. If you live to 500 you will be 1000. If you live to 1000 you will be 5000. If you live to be 5000 you will be 10,000."
When I look around me at technology I see this as a very likely reality. Whether this will be my experience or not we will have to see.
I once said to Saint Germain when he told me the above statement, "I'll believe it when I see it!"
And he said, "I would expect no less of one of my students." (which meant that if I wasn't realistic enough to question what he had said he wouldn't want me as a student in the first place).
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