Another name for this might be: "Understanding Old Grief" as in 1979.
Her name was Joy and she was the best friend of my 1st wife's younger sister. The three girls who were about 5 to 7 years younger than I were involved in SRF in Encinitas, California. My wife's sister wanted to be an SRF Nun but they wouldn't take her because she had Type II Diabetes and had to shoot insulin every day into her thigh.
When my 1st wife became pregnant with my son in 1973 we asked Joy to come help with the home birth. So she came over that day but luckily it was false labor because Joy and I spent most of the time talking to each other and my first wife was jealous. So when the actual labor began a month later we didn't call Joy to assist us at my wife's request.
Then in 1977 my first wife and I separated and the divorce was final by 1978 and I was raising my son alone. By 1979 I was living in San Diego and working as a Landscaper with Landscape Architects, especially in La Jolla and Rancho Santa Fe.
One night I was thinking of Joy because there always had been something between us. My first wife and I had visited her Architect husband and her in 1974 in Hilo, Hawaii when we tried to make a go of it living there in fall 1974 when my son was 6 months old. However, there were rats in the house we rented and my wife panicked about this and made us return to the mainland to San Diego because she felt she couldn't protect our baby son from them. So sadly we returned to the mainland.
So by 1979 I was 31 and working in San Diego and one night I thought of Joy because I hadn't been dating because I was raising my son alone and didn't see dating as being practical for me yet as I had to think different about everything in order to properly raise my son to adulthood.
So one night I was thinking of Joy and how I had always felt about her but as we always know "Timing is everything" in relationships. It really doesn't matter how good a relationship could be if the timing for it is off at all even by one instant. So at 2 am that same night as I was thinking deeply about her she called me that exact moment from Hawaii and said to me, "I'm leaving my husband. I want to come live with you." I thought this was extremely strange but said, "Are you sure that's what you want?" She said, "Yes!" So like a really dumb guy that men sometimes are just divorced and lonely and all I said, "Come on over! I just finished a one month job and since I'm a Landscaping Contractor I'm self employed and I have plenty of money for us to travel for a while." She said, "Let's go up to Oregon where I own a house and land. I want to visit there." So like a silly lonely man I said, "Sure. Let's do it!"
So, the next morning (8 hours later) she flew in to San Diego from Hilo and totally rocked my world and the world of my 4 year old son. Within the next two weeks my son was calling her "Mommy" and all that and I thought we might stay together long term. But I think back now and think that all was very wishful thinking on my part.
At that time I also was studying with a New York Psychic who was also a psychologist. She lived in a group living situation with people who it was debatable whether they were her students and she her Guru and they financially supported her. She had to be the single most psychic person I have ever met.
I could have conversations with her any time of the day or night wherever I was telepathically. I found it very strange but also encouraging somehow. In fact, she had a deep fear of motorcycles because one of her live in students was permanently messed up from losing her boyfriend in a motorcycle accident that was the love of her life.
So whenever I would ride my dirt bike(a Honda XL 250 1974) that was a dualsport she would be telling me not to do anything stupid. However, as a man this was just too much for me and I would then just go off a bigger jump and would here her freak out in my mind about it. But so much for testosterone and being 31 and wild in many ways still.
So after Joy and I and my son went to Oregon and stayed in her vacation home there for a while we returned to San Diego as I had to bid on more contracts and get back to work. I made the (mistake) of introducing Joy to the New York psychic Psychologist spiritual teacher friend of mine. Immediately, my psychologist friend realized that Joy was having some kind of psychologically unhealthy experience having left her husband suddenly to be with me and counseled her to go back to her husband. Both my son and I were very upset. But looking back at all this with both age and wisdom I now believe in hindsight that this was the best outcome for everyone.
Even though I know Joy had always loved me in a completely obsessive way it was never completely realistic or adult in a practical sense at all. It was sort of like she was a kind of "airline stewardess" kind of person whereas I needed a mother for my son and she was still too much of a child herself to be a mother for my son and actually needed someone like her husband to take care of her. I was a fantasy but her husband was the reality for her and the psychologist got her to see this. So that was the end of my relationship with Joy and I never heard from her again. She flew back to Hilo after two weeks traveling with me and my son and I never saw or heard from her again. This was very emotionally painful but both my parents and the spiritual psychologist teacher friend of mine were right. However, I was pretty pissed off about the way this was all handled at the time and ended my friendship with the psychologist.
The other factor that is probably important that wasn't mentioned was that Joy's mother stepped in front of a car on purpose and put herself in a hospital because she was so upset with Joy's behavior. It makes me think that there was some sort of mental illness I didn't know of in Joy's family. However, you really don't know about these sorts of things. I just didn't have enough information to make full sense of all this at the time or now. I only know I loved Joy and she loved me but that it couldn't work for us because the timing was all wrong for the both of us. Timing is everything in the end. It really isn't about love it's always about the timing of things.
What brought this to mind is a waitress that waited on my daughter and I in Southern Oregon near the same town Joy's house was in. I think this young woman was Joy's daughter. She is about 20 years old the same age as my daughter and I think this young woman is Joy's daughter at this point. They went to the same High School in Oregon.
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