Thursday, April 17, 2008

Whatever doesn't Kill you makes you stronger

Whatever doesn't Kill you makes you stronger. I've found this to be true in most cases.
Many times I expected to die in many situations in my life. Most of the worst cases of this were before I was 14. So I found myself in the enviable position of not being afraid of girls while being very tall and fairly handsome at 15. There is something about love that is like dying. You have to give into it for it to work. Since I had experienced death so many times, love wasn't scary at all to me,(as long as it didn't last more than 3 months). That was my limit of how long one might be able to love and have fun in a relationship without entering the dangerous (unbelievable pain ground) if that relationship ever ended. Sometimes the love was so good that despite your better judgement you just kept hanging in there even though on some level you knew that you had a 75% or better chance of being completely devastated at some point.

However, the saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" I lived in real life ongoing from age 15 to age 25 when I got married for the first time and had a son. Most men run from love and just try to have sexual flings. I never ran from love and after age 21 sex was almost always part of that love. And yes, getting hurt was just the flipside of being in love and loving.

So, I went from experiencing death many times with whooping cough when I was 2 and turning blue and passing out to stay alive to getting sunstroke at age 9 and seeing everything turn yellow for about 1 hour like looking through a yellow filter lense on a camera when I got sunstroke one day while playing far away from home with friends in about 115 degrees farenheit. I had a headache for about 2 days from that silliness. The next year I got Childhood epilepsy(maybe from being raised a lacto-ovo vegetarian and growing to fast and maybe from the sunstroke and whooping cough. Who knows the real cause or causes now?

Anyway, from those many death and near death experiences I developed the ability to run toward love just like a suicider runs toward a cliff. Most men run away from love. I have always run toward it. Some people call me very brave. Others have just called me reckless. However, I have very few regrets in life because I have loved deeply and been hurt deeply and survived in spite of it. If death takes me for real I have no regrets because I have loved and lived and traveled and raised my children as best I could along the way. And when the end comes I will embrace death with the same love that I have always embraced life for I am free. My soul is free.

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