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Rob Porter, and Mormonism's #MeToo Moment
(CNN)Colbie
Holderness says she met Rob Porter at a Mormon student congregation in
Cambridge, Massachusetts. Lifelong Mormons, they married in the church
in 2003. When Porter turned abusive and their marriage went bad,
Holderness said, they turned to the church for guidance.
Porter,
who had been a rising star in President Donald Trump's White House
before abruptly resigning on Wednesday, has forcefully denied the abuse accusations from two ex-wives, calling them part of a "smear campaign." He did not immediately respond to a request for comment on Friday.
Both
of the women Porter has been married to -- Holderness and Jennie
Willoughby -- shared with CNN this week the unique role the Mormon
church played in their troubled relationships.
For
many Mormons, the first line of help outside the family is often the
local bishop, a role somewhat akin to a pastor or a rabbi. But, unlike
those clergy, the Mormon priesthood is occupied by part-time lay people
with little formal training in pastoral work or counseling. And they are
all men.
Holderness
said Porter emotionally and physically abused her, choked her
repeatedly, and in one instance, punched her in the face, leaving her
with a black eye. But she said it was hard to talk about her experiences
with her bishop, especially with her husband sitting beside her.
Eventually,
she told three bishops that Porter was "being physical," she said.
She's not sure they understood. She could almost see one wondering,
"What does that mean?" Holderness recalls.
It wasn't until she met with a professional counselor, Holderness said, that she was warned about the gravity of her situation.
"It
was the first time I had someone say to me: This is very serious. You
might not feel like your life is in danger now but this is very serious
and choking is something that can become life-threatening."
Holderness later divorced Porter, against her bishops' advice, she said.
Willoughby,
who was married to Porter from 2009 to 2013, also said Mormon bishops
discouraged divorce. One of the bishops worked with Porter and warned
her that filing a protective order could harm her husband's career.
"I was just kind of stunned," Willoughby said.
Religious
marriage counseling, like most marriage counseling, is often done
quietly, with little public scrutiny, until someone famous or important
is accused of something terrible. This week, that happened. Holderness's
accusations against Porter, a rising star in the White House, were
published in a British tabloid.
The
political reckoning for Porter was slow, and then fast. His current and
former bosses defended his character and lashed out at the accusers.
But on Wednesday, Holderness released a picture in which she has a black
eye, the result, she said, of Porter punching her in 2005. Porter
resigned almost immediately.
The
religious repercussions may take longer to play out, if they occur at
all. But some Mormons say the Porter scandal raises serious concerns
about whether the church's patriarchal culture and the belief that
marriage is sacred and eternal -- a cornerstone of Mormon theology --
may prevent some spouses from leaving bad marriages.
"I
see this as an extension of the #MeToo movement," said Kathleen Flake, a
professor of Mormon studies at the University of Virginia. "It is
almost inevitable that this will cause the Mormon church to examine
their existing guidance to local church leaders."
'Zero tolerance for abuse'
The
"Church Handbook of Instructions," created for bishops and other local
Mormon leaders, is unequivocal about abuse. "The church's position is
that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form," it says, according to a
copy provided to CNN.
Mormons who
abuse others are not allowed to enter sacred temples, nor can they work
in church ministries. The handbook also provides hotlines for church
leaders to consult legal advisers and professional counselors, and
requires clergy to report abuse to secular authorities.
Asked
about the counseling that Holderness and Willoughby say they received,
Eric Hawkins, a spokesman for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints, said that it is "difficult to speak to specific circumstances
without complete information from all involved, but the position of the
church is clear. There is zero tolerance for abuse of any kind."
"Church
leaders are given instruction on how to prevent and report abuse and
how to care for those who have been abused," Hawkins continued.
But
the handbook does not offer instructions on how to spot spousal abuse,
how to discern types of abuse, or how to talk to spouses about it.
Hawkins said that the handbook, which is private, is occasionally updated online, where the church also provides additional resources for church leaders.
But some Mormons say the experiences of Holderness and Willoughby are not unique.
"The
Rob Porter story typifies everything wrong with Mormon men not
believing abused Mormon women," wrote civil rights lawyer Carolyn Homer
on the Mormon website By Common Consent.
"I can't even count the number of first-hand accounts I've heard at
this point, and I only started paying attention a few years ago. Easily
dozens. Probably hundreds."
Unfortunately,
abused spouses have trouble being heard in many faith communities, and
even in the culture at large, said Jenn Oxborrow, who leads the Domestic
Violence Coalition in Utah, where about 60% of the population is
Mormon.
"People are not believed,
they are blamed, or the abuse is minimized. Domestic violence is
extremely complicated, and often happens gradually over time." Sometimes
the signs are obvious, Oxborrow said, sometimes they are not.
Oxborrow
noted that many Mormons have supported her work, from state lawmakers
to local police who lobby on her behalf. The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints honored her coalition just last year.
Flake,
the Mormonism scholar, said it is fair to question the Mormon church's
response to abusive spousal relationships. But it's also notable that
both Holderness and Willoughby were savvy enough to seek secular help,
and eventually left Porter.
"These women had a sense of their own power," Flake said. "And it is worth asking where that came from."
'They are not trained counselors'
In 2015, the Mormon church admitted women to high-level church councils for the first time.
It was a significant step, said Joanna Brooks,
a writer, religion scholar and professor at San Diego State University.
But it didn't erase the church's long history of all-male rule.
"For more than 100 years, women were not consulted in formulating doctrine, practice or policy. Our voices were not heard."
Too
often, Brooks and other Mormons said, the church has split into
gender-specific enclaves, with the men trusting and relying upon each
other, to the exclusion of women.
"Men
in Mormonism, like men in many parts of American life, spend a lot of
time making decisions with each other," said Flake. "When men work
closely with each other all their lives it can be harder for them to see
other men as the problem when they are accused of abusing women."
Willoughby
said she wrestled with whether to file a protective order against
Porter after he smashed in a window in the home they had shared
together. But the Mormon bishop she turned to for advice worked with her
husband.
"He said in no uncertain terms that, once you do this, it's public, and was I sure that I wanted to jeopardize Rob's career?"
Willoughby said she told other Mormon bishops about the abuse, too, as much as she could.
"If I'm being honest, I don't know how explicit I was about its exact nature."
The Mormon clerics urged her and Porter to seek therapy, Willoughby said, but never raised the prospect of divorce.
Holderness describes a remarkably similar experience.
Like
Willoughby, she struggled to convey the abuse to the Mormon bishops and
was counseled to try to work on her relationship with Porter.
"I
don't want to chalk it up to them just being men and not caring. There
were a variety of things in play," she said. "They are not trained
counselors. They are there to help you resolve your marital issues. ...
They are not supposed to encourage you to split."
Experts say it's hard to convey how deeply sacred marriage is to Mormons.
According
to Mormon theology, only couples married in church temples can reach
the highest heavens, and when they do, they do so together, as a family
bonded for eternity. Anything less than that ideal can feel like
failure, some Mormon women said.
According to a 2014 study, just 7% of American Mormons are divorced or separated, one of the lowest rates among religious groups.
But there's more to Mormon theology than marriage, of course.
The
church teaches that all people can have direct access to God through
prayer, without the intercession of any clergy -- male or female, said
Brooks.
"Even when you get bad
advice from a local leader, Mormonism teaches that all of us are beloved
children of God, and can take that advice to God in prayer."
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