The Ghost Who Walks

The Ghost Who Walks. I've stayed alive the last 20 years for my children. I wanted to die at 21 and was grateful to have a son at 26 so I had a good reason to stay alive for him so that I could raise him well so he could have a good future. The happiest years of my life were 0 to 18 and from 50 until now. The very worst years of my life were my 20s and my 40s. I almost didn't survive both decades. My second best decade of my life was my 30s. During my 30s I lived many of my childhood dreams. I built my own A-Frame house on the side of Mt. Shasta, I homeschooled my older children, I took my family to India and Nepal for 4 months, We hiked 50 miles up to 10,000 feet into the Himalayas, at least 25 miles from the nearest dirt road at that time,1986. I stayed with Sherpa family at 9000 feet and another family at 8000 feet altitude. We crossed over about 50 or more suspension bridges far from any roads and met people who had never seen an automobile or television or a telephone.

But now, after relatives sent me a group of family photos dating back to 1900, I realized that everyone I was looking at photos of now was dead that I knew except for maybe 10% of my relatives. My father is dead. My mother doesn't know who I am or who she is. All my grandparents are dead. Three of my Aunts are dead now and only one remains alive who hardly knows who she is or who I am. All of my uncles are dead.

Two of my male cousing died at age 62, one after 2001 and one last year.
I have one cousin in Orange County that I visit once or so a year that I am still close to. And I see his mother and his children and their children. But mostly I am alone now. Of my three best friends from childhood and young adulthood, One is dead, one doesn't know who he is or who I am, and one is a world traveling professional musician who I still ski with at least once a year.

So, it's mostly my wife and I and our 11 year old and a few friends. So I still have a life but when I look at all those now dead I feel numb and diminished greatly by their passing. I understand now the pathos of my older relatives now when they were 60 or above. Knowing that you are next in the line of succession unto death whether you live to 60 or 100 or possibly by some miracle 110,120,130. Still after 40 everything is by God's Grace.

I look in the Obituaries and am amazed how many are dying in their late 30' and 40s to 60s. Somedays it is 75% people from late 30s to 60s dying and I am amazed.

I think of the book "Life Begins at 40" written in the 20s or 30s and realize that for many even here in the US, 40 is a bridge to Far. So I count my blessings and my relatively good health that I can still ski and sail and ride a bike or even a motorcycle or probably even land a plane in an emergency because I soloed in a Cessna 152 in 1989. LIFE GOES ON WITH US OR WITHOUT US!