Because I'm suffering.
I'm suffering the loss of our two dogs within a 3 month period. We have had dogs living here in our home non-stop (one or two) since about 2003. The first died from fighting a raccoon over the garbage cans around 2005. She died one month later from kidney failure at the vet but she got the raccoon too because her mouth was full of blood where she bit him hard.
Then about 3 or 4 years ago now my German Shepard long hair- Australian Shepard mix died at age 15 1/2 after I had been with him since 2003 when he was a couple of years old. He was the single smartest dog I have ever known. He was more like a human being and less like a dog and knew 300 English words as well. He stared at you like a human would but then again Sheep dogs are trained to stare down sheep so they stare at humans too that way like a human being would which is a little eerie if you haven't experienced it before. Wolves do this too. But, if you have ever been around a real wolf it is more like "I could kill you right now but I won't because my master is feeding me!"
This is what the mind of a male wolf is often thinking around a human being like you and me. And dogs are usually only domesticated versions of creatures like this. Just like humans are only domesticated Cave men and Cave women to be realistic. I try to never forget this because it has always allowed me to stay alive through everything I have ever experienced all over the earth in my lifetime.
Then also around 2005 when our first dog died we got a Corgi Puppy. She was my youngest daughter's dog but my youngest daughter is now 22 and lives in Portland not near San Francisco with us anymore. So, since she was very old now our corgi died 3 months ago which was very hard on my daughter and wife especially and upon me. But, I looked at our other elder dog who is a rescue dog we got from a yellow lab rescue shelter and I realized as an intuitive it was 50% to 75% that we were going to lose him because he wasn't going to make it without our corgi who he had deeply bonded with because she was a female. So, we started to lose him and I felt it.
But then, I got very sick and had to leave when I was able and went to Portland and had my son who is a trained nurse help nurse me back to health while my wife and two daughters went to Ireland, England and Scotland for 3 weeks. They are all back now and I was supposed to go but realized because I also had a sinus infection that I might die from that if I flew at 30,000 feet in a passenger plane. So, I gave up the idea of having to deal with jet lag once again going and coming and went to Mt. Shasta and Portland instead.
But, on my way down our yellow lab's (unknown to us) tumor attached to his spleen exploded and started crowding out all his organs and couldn't really walk and could only stand up and that's all. So, our housekeeper and our house sitter and her daughter had to pick our yellow lab up on a beach towel and carry him to one of our vehicles to the vets. When I talked to the vet she said that he had only a 25% chance of surviving the operation but had almost no chance of a normal life after that.
I told her I had almost died in the last two months myself so I couldn't commit to caring for him or the financial outlay it would take for the operation. I wanted to wait for her to put him to sleep until I got there a day or two later. She said this wouldn't work because he was in so much pain he either needed to be put to sleep or be operated on. I was teary eyed at this point that I would never see my old friend once again but to honor and respect my old friend I realized I had to give permission over the phone for him to be put to sleep and cremated like our other 3 dogs. But, this is the first time since 2003 that I have been in my home without any dogs and the Silence is deafening.
So, if you want to know why I'm writing so much about God it's because I almost died and both my dogs DID die. That's why.
I feel very humble but also sort of like I have a minor case of PTSD from all the deaths and near deaths. And my wife now has serious jet lag and it's been cloudy a lot so I'm struggling right now to stay centered.
But, anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger. This is my experience of life.
By God's Grace
No comments:
Post a Comment