The Ghost of Christmas Past

Many people become overwhelmed with emotions and check out of their bodies permanently during the holidays in December.  I found between 21 and 25 this a difficult time for me too. My life (at least in my early 20s) was not going the way I really wanted or had planned at all. It didn't mean I didn't have many girlfriends it just meant that my life wasn't going in the trajectory that I had planned it to.

What I learned from this was that planning for me was so disappointing in reality that I gave up long term planning and became a complete opportunist in every way. I realized in planning you are trying to create something that cannot possibly ever exist. So, in doing this even if you got exactly what you wanted you likely might want to kill yourself anyway. So, for me, the solution was to watch for the opportunities that God and Life Brought my way. By doing this I was always grateful to God for everything and everyone that came my way and my life by the time I was 30 I was really happy in my 2nd marriage for about 7 years time. So, my 20s mostly were hell for me partly because I had really good parents so when I turned about 18 to 21 life became really difficult for me like it does when you have good parents growing up like I did because in one way I had it too easy. In another way I didn't because I did have to deal with Whooping cough (which I almost died from) at age 2 which I still remember quite well turning blue from coughing and choking from and I also had Blunt Trauma childhood epilepsy which almost took my life between 10 and 15 years of age as well when it passed and never bothered me again.

So, just saying I had it easy as an only child where we always had one or more cars, my Dad always had a good job, and I had my own bicycle after I was 5 into adulthood and a car by age 16 isn't exactly true because I had to face these difficult health issues. But, it is also true that I almost always had a girlfriend from the time I was 15 until I married at age 26 my live in girlfriend.

Would I have survived without my girlfriends my early 20? My thought likely is "Probably not."

Because I would have had no problem at all taking my own life since I had been trained to die in a war in the culture of the 1950s. So, death was easy for me. Life was what was hard.

But, now I'm glad I survived until my son was born and I couldn't be selfish enough to take my life anymore because I had to raise my son right. I had seen the damage done to my friends growing up without a father. I wasn't going to have this happen to any of my children. So, I stayed alive to raise them all.

So, if you are considering suicide this Christmas just remember I was there once too and I made it through the way to almost 70 this year (I'll be 70 in the Spring).

I think it's worth staying alive just to see what happens next here on earth. It's a crazy but very entertaining place after all!

The Ghost of Christmas Past

I walked into the living room this morning and saw my wife and teenage daughter were watching "Polar Express" which aligns a lot with how Christmas was in the 1950s and early 1960s a lot Since my wife was born in 1955 I know she could relate to this movie. I felt the "Ghost of Christmas past" too and said that I thought we were all feeling it. She looked at me and said, 'Where would any of us be without our past?"

This was a pretty profound statement I realized. So, even though one often feels (after ages 15 or 20 especially) the pain of loss of all those we loved who have passed on that we used to see at least at Christmas even if no other time of the year, "Where would any of us be without the past we knew and all the people who enriched our lives with their wisdom and knowledge and amazing experiences?"

The Ghost of Christmas Past

If you are over 30 or 40 years of age Christmas becomes more about the ghosts of all the people you shared Christmas with (Friends and relatives) now dead. So, thinking back one cannot help but be haunted by all the ones not there anymore by the Christmas tree because their bodies are either in Graveyards or have been cremated and either remain on mantles or in oceans or other places around the world. However, you look at it they are not there unless they are there as angels or ghosts to share Christmas with you now, and this can be difficult especially if you are someone like me who at age 63 has lost all parents, grandparents and all aunts and uncles and several cousins as well as 2/3 s of all my friends from the old days. So, Christmas can often be an ordeal, especially if you don't have grandchildren to share all the festivities with yet. However, my three children ages 15 to 37 and two of their friends ages 14 and 26 WILL be here for Christmas so that should take the edge off some. Thank God!