When you experience as many near deaths as I did between age 2 and 15 my attitude got to be:
"Well. Why don't we just get this over all these near deaths are just making me crazy!"
So, my problem from teen through about 26 when my son was born in finding creative ways to stay alive.
So, embracing death was easy and staying alive was very very hard for me.
Because I couldn't do that to my parents, to my friends. I couldn't kill myself and feel I had honored all the people who had loved me. Loving myself I found was hard after all the near deaths so my love for others kept me trying to find ways to stay alive for them so my death wouldn't harm their lives in any way.
So, for me, one of the ways from 21 to 24 that I found to stay alive because I was 6 foot 5 inches tall and very handsome was to have women fall in love with me. IN this way if one of them loved me I in all honor had to stay alive for them because they loved me. So, I honored them by staying alive for them because this is what they wanted.
However, what I wanted "Caused by whooping cough and childhood epilepsy" was to not have to go through all these near deaths anymore and to just get it overwith once and for all and be dead.
I'm not sure what you would call this psychologically but it was what I was experiencing in my life.
Now I might call this a type of PTSD caused by so many near death experiences growing up. What we experience at least in the way we experience it is unique to ourselves.
So, while most young men were afraid of women I was the opposite. I was right there talking to them. I was happy to help solve their problems. I was a perfect gentleman just like my Scottish Grandmother taught me to be. I was trained to be desireable to women because my mother and grandmother didn't like the way their men treated them. So, they trained me to be "Every Woman's Fantasy".
Was this a good thing or not?
I suppose one could look at it in a lot of ways.
Sometimes it was fun for me and sometimes it was a burden and just confused the hell out of me.
But, through it all I survived until I was married and had my son and then I really did have something and someone to live for: my family and my children so I began starting businesses to support them because I now had a LIFE I had a reason to stay alive and to sacrifice for someone beyond myself!
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