Survival and Pragmatism.I noticed I was not doing as well this Christmas season. I wanted to believe that it was mostly because I hadn't seen my daughter who is now 18 more than about 3 days a year when we skied together mostly on Mt. Shasta since she was about 13 years old. This was mostly my ex-wife's idea along with blackmailing my daughter into going along with it.
However, the illusion that that was what it was all about was dashed when my daughter spent two weeks with us. I realized in horror how much the impending death of my mother through now 6 years of senile dementia since 2001 is undermining my life. What an awful year that was 2001. First, I woke up one day to watching planes crash into the Twin Towers on CNN and then two months later my mother mother turned on the electric stove after we told her not to and the proceeded to watch a plastic bowl burn while watching the pretty flames rise up and run down the liquid plastic down the stove. She then prayed that the fire wouldn't burn up her apartment. At that point, realizing both she and the rest of the people in the apartment might have died over that 24 hour period. The saddest thing I can say about all this is that sometimes I think her death at that time would have been a much much better outcome for her than what has transpired the last almost 7 years. Because legally, we had no choice but to place her in an alzheimer's and senile dementia facility. I, especially could not deal with this as she is/was my mother. The person she had become between April 2001 and fall 2001 was no longer my mother. In April She had beaten the inside of my car door saying, "Where are the words" over and over until her hand was purple from bruising. I was very scared then realizing in horror that this might get worse. It did. My son was staying with her as she had stopped driving her car about 2 years earlier when she was 80. Now she was almost 82. Now in 2007 she will be 89 in January.
I can deal with life and I can deal with death way better than most people. I can keep my head when most people around me are hysterical. It's just a family trait among the men in my family. It's definitely a long term survival trait.
However, I just don't do crazy. Maybe it's because of the 1960's and seeing so many people go crazy and dying from drugs, cars, crazy relationships, suicide etc. I don't know. However, I just don't do crazy well ever since then. My quota was used up by 1980. Then after watching a friend of my ex-wife's regress into a 3 or 4 year old state before he died of AIDS it was really too much to deal with in any rational way. But we did anyhow. What choice did we have? We had then 4 kids to keep raising.(2 of mine biologically).
So, this Christmas and Holiday season if you think of ending your life just remember this article I'm writing and then think of all the people you would harm by ending your life. Happy Holidays!
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