If you start with the title this was how I was most of the time until I was 21. Then the world hit me and my personal world collapsed on me and I decided I rather would be dead.
During this process of the next 3 years I moved from idealist to pragmatist. So, the question moved from:
What can I do that means something?
to:
How can I survive what is happening to me?
This is a real fundamental change to how you live your life.
I noticed going through this that people who were friends who stayed idealists were really having a hard time of it. Whereas though I was suicidal and wanting to be dead I was radically changing and becoming a pragmatist.
In other words: "How can I stay alive?"
was the only really important question during this time.
Why was I asking myself this question?
Because otherwise I would have been dead.
So, asking this question my parents didn't have to have a funeral or wake or memorial for me.
My friends weren't going to possibly kill themselves too because I might have.
So, I stayed alive first for my parents and 2nd for whatever girlfriend that loved me that I was with at the time.
Did I want to be alive?
NO.
But, Being an honorable person I could not do this to my parents, my friends, my relatives, my community.
So, I stayed alive for them instead even though I would have much preferred to be dead for myself.
Then at age 26 my live in girlfriend got pregnant and we got married and I had a son and I have never looked back ever since.
Since I have have been 26 my life has not been about me anymore but about caring for others.
And since I am a natural care giver type of person anyway this worked for me.
So, being an idealist doesn't usually survive until you are 30 because usually you are dead by then.
Only by becoming a pragmatist can you really face anything you have to face in your life and survive it.
By God's Grace
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