Sunday, November 18, 2007

"I married the Bard"

"I married the Bard." In ancient times mostly before the Gutenberg Bible(the 1st printed Bible) the Bard was the one who remembered all the histories and stories in poem form and sang them to music. The Bards were the only ones who knew all the histories and travelled from Court to Court telling and retelling the ancient histories to poem and song. They each knew 10's of thousands of lines that they had memorized. To harm or kill a Bard would be like Burning all the Bibles and all the printing presses on earth for the Bard was like a Bible in that they remembered the wars, the kings, the histories, and most importantly, the wise even then knew that those who don't remember history are doomed to repeat it. Just like Iraq is a smaller rerun of Viet Nam.

Tonight I had taken my wife to see "Beowulf" again because she hadn't seen it yet because she was away in San Francisco with her best friend since babyhood for the weekend. I have been struggling with being 59 and watching my mother slowly die and not being able to talk to my mother because senile dementia has claimed her speech and her knowledge of who I am about 1 year ago. They hand feed her now.

Anyway, I had been feeling old and dealing with a lot lately. Starting at about age 10 years old women started taking an interest in me and so a lot of my young life had been dedicated to making sure that I was worthy of the love so many young women wanted to give me.
3 marriages and three biological children and 2 stepchildren and 2 God daughters later I'm tired. I identified with both Hrothgar wanting to jump off a cliff and the old Beowulf trying to keep going and dying in battle like a Viking. I felt strongly those two sides of myself.

I was getting into a weird place tonight and realized that I had to talk to my wife about what I'm dealing with. I said,"I'm having a problem. I will stay alive for you two and the rest of my children but I feel as I'm getting older that I have no reason to stay alive for myself.

My wife looked at me and said, "You're angry you didn't die when you were 25." I said, "Yes!"
Obviously, my wife knows me well. Then she said, "Fred. I didn't marry who you think. I married the Bard!" I didn't know what to make of this at first until she handed me a book called "Bard:The Odyssey of the Irish" by Morgan Llywelyn.

It got me to thinking about how my wife saw me which is quite different than I see myself. Though I have always loved to write and by writing I have saved my own life many many times especially between the ages of 13 and 25 by writing and then rereading what I had written. At those times I would reach a gestalt by writing and then a few days, weeks, months or years rereading and understanding myself from whole new direction as I grew and evolved into different people with different viewpoints over the years. Through this long process I have reached a holistic level of self awareness that I find the most people don't ever seem to reach. I have noticed only about 25% of people ever seem to get to this level of understanding and truth.

"Truth can be terrifying but without enough of it we all go crazy and die young!" Being brave enough to tell the truth to yourself most of the time will save the life you are afraid to lose! Telling the truth to others in a compassionate and wise way may save their lives too.

I was amazed that this is how my wife sees me as someone who is a story teller that tells important stories to people so they can not make the same mistakes their ancestors made. What is funny to me is that I started out in life playing piano for ladies in my church and later I met many girlfriends playing piano and singing at parties in my teens and twenties. I took 8 years of piano lessons from age 8 to 16 and 1 year of organ and have played keyboards, organ, flute, guitar and several other types of instruments and even played violyn from age 9 to 14 when I got tired of being teased at being 6 foot 3 inches for carrying a violyn case anymore at that time. Anyway, I sang and played for women of all ages over the years. I have been a writer since I was first discovered by my 4th grade teacher to tell great stories. I wonder if Mrs. Krell knew what she started in my life?

Lately, I have been slowly reading "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I was walking from the end of Everitt Memorial Highway up onto Mt. Shasta at about 9000 feet recently and as I returned from about 10,000 feet I saw a woman who looked a lot like her jump out of her car and run to the edge of a cliff. She had the same looks and vibe that I would imagine was her. She reminded me of a graceful elf or swan as she ran toward the cliff and looked out over the sea of clouds below. It was raining below 5000 feet from Mt.Shasta all the way to the ocean. We could see 100's of miles toward the ocean over the sea of rain clouds below. Where we were it was about 35 degrees Fahrenheit and windy. I thought of walking over and introducing myself but we two were the only ones up there and she seemed scared and out of her element and amazed to be there. I decided I didn't want to spoil the moment for her whoever she was. So I just got in my car and drove down into town. Besides, I'm over 6 foot 4 inches with a mustache. Not many people want someone my size walking up to them when they are alone on a mountain unless there are other people around.

I envy the way Elizabeth Gilbert writes. There is an honesty and a talent there that is amazing. Once again I would like to say that women who want to be empowered should read this book.

If you want to evolve past just being another silly woman who blames men for everything just like silly women have done for thousands of years you should read this book. Every guy in the world knows what I'm talking about.

I'm married to a woman who accepts responsibility for who she is and doesn't blame me for anything really unless I spill the milk or something real like that. It is so refreshing to be with a liberated woman who accepts responsibility and is mature enough to face life with me. Sometimes it is like living with a guy except its better because she's a woman and that's what I like.

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