Tuesday, November 27, 2007


Trust.Please forgive me if this is too much for you. However, I have always written to stay alive. Writing as self therapy enabled me to live from 12 to 25 when otherwise I would be gone now.Now I'm almost 60.

My Mother is dying and I'm trying to cope with it. One of my daughters that lives with my ex-wife is almost 19. She still lives with my ex and her half sister, who is a lawyer on a ranch in Oregon. These two people, my mother and my older daughter give me the most grief in life. My mother since I had to institutionalize her so she wouldn't kill herself or someone else in a fire in 2001, a month after 9-11. My daughter and I were relatively okay until she moved with her mother to Oregon which has no reciprocal
custody agreements with California where I live in 2002. So my joint custody became moot when she moved to Oregon with her mother. After not seeing my daughter for 2 years we began to ski together on Mt. Shasta about 1 weekend a year. It has pretty much remained that way since she was 15. She is now almost 19. I also have an 11 year old daughter who loves my almost 19 year old deeply but has been forced to live without her by sad life circumstances.

Though my mother is dying I struggle every day with how to cope with what my mother has been through in her life. She is a very traditional woman. Her life always has revolved around family. She was born in 1919 and had me when she was 29 in 1948. Her father left her mother when she was 18 and never returned. She went to work to support her mother and her in 1937. She worked for about 10 years supporting them both working at first a shoe and handbag manufacturing company and later working as a customer service representative at Bell Telephone in Seattle.

I had a bad experience with one of my male cousins that I saw as a brother when I was 8. Since then I don't trust men. I also had an experience of someone older than I that held a knife to my throat for a long time and told me he would cut my head off when I was about 9. I struggled and blood ran down into my shirt but I lived. This happened again with a 2nd cousin. Later his mother and then he killed himself. After this I became a believer in abortion for unwanted children. So the unwanted mistreated ones don't do what they did to me to others.

Trust shouldn't be freely given. It should be earned by trustworthy actions observed frequently. This is what these experiences taught me to the deep deep core. It made me a more scary person in some ways but someone who always survives when others might not. If a plane crashed and 3 people survived, I would be one of the three.

As I grew up I learned that "All Men are bastards and I am one!" I learned that men tend to use women. (this was in the 50's). But also that women tend to use men. Everybody uses everybody to survive. If they don't they don't survive. This was what I learned. I learned that you can never trust a man because he must do ANYTHING to survive once he is on his own. Every man knows that 95% of the homeless on the streets are men. Women are almost always taken care of by someone all over the earth. But men, if they don't succeed by their late 20's or early 30's are basically dead and all men know this and all men are horrified by this. Being a man isn't easy and it is amazing to me how many women don't understand any of this. If women just understood the full horror of this for all men then I think the world would make a lot more sense to everyone.

So as a result of all this I know not to trust men because I know first hand that a man will do literally anything to survive. Oh yes. There are golden boys who water ski all over the top of all this but real men never take that kind seriously. They are a joke to the rest of us survivors. I think that this is one of the reasons that so many men chose to live as women because they just don't want to be cruel enough to be a man. Because if a man isn't capable of being cruel enough he won't survive. I'm not talking about going out and hurting people with a knife or a gun. I'm talking about the cruelty of making decisions. Every important decision a man makes has negative consequences to someone. When that man survives and succeeds, 10 others don't. Any sane man knows this. Oh yes. That man might delude himself with religion and say all sorts of things but how can anyone take a man like that seriously.

In the end it is survival of the fittest. Those that do that sometimes survive. Those that don't don't survive. In the end that is the sad truth!

That is why I can't trust men because I am one! God help me! I survive anything. That is what a real man does! No matter how horrifying you deal with it and move on. That is what a real man does!

I'm not stupid enough to trust men. I trust women! But I understand their limitations unless they are fully liberated and empowered. And then they are more like men anyway. What a joke life is!

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