Self Valuation

I value myself intrinsically as myself
I am valuable to others as well
Because I am valuable to both myself and others
I will stay alive to enjoy in my existence and for helping others to better survive and have better lives too.

Intellectually, I could have written this before and might have already here at this site.

However, there were always some levels where emotionally this was not how I completely felt.

However, some time during the "Hospital Vision Quest" where I came very close to dying (from my point of view), I started fully valuing myself.

Why did I not completely value myself on all levels before?

In the 1950s we were taught as young men "The Captain goes down with the ship" or another way to put this is: "Each of us men is responsible for ourselves and all those around us.

So, this killed a lot of young, middle aged and older men around the world, especially from the 1960s, 1950s and before especially where "Duty, Honor, Courage" was taken seriously.

So, even though I was not from a military family (even though my Dad was a Marine Core Gunner on a Helcat Biplane for 4 years from I believe 1934 to 1937 in Seattle, Washington).

Loyalty to one's family was very important then. So, because I could not stay in my parents religion and become a minister of it  (like them) in 1969 I became suicidal for about 4 to 5 years on and off.

So, I punished myself for (disloyalty to my parents) because instead of being a minister I had to become a truth seeker which for me was more important than becoming a minister of anything.

And this manifested in becoming suicidal sort of as a form of emotional "Hari Kiri" to myself for not being the person they raised me to be.

Though when my son was born in 1974 I had a reason to stay alive from then on to raise him to adulthood, I had not addressed in an emotionally useful way all this (even though I often tried) in a way that could fully heal me from this confusion caused by loyalty to my parents.

However, somehow during the extended illness and Apendectomy I found this place where I finally 100% could say, "I want to be alive for me 100%" and "I am a very amazing fellow and many people love me and I have enough love and value of myself that I always want to be a live doing good things for myself and others.