It's been 17 years but just now I was sitting outside in my Hot Tub and realized my wounds of 17 years ago are finally starting to heal. Here are the lyrics of the song that came to me:
"I couldn't live without you
But then you tried to kill me
so then I had to replace you"
(These are my lyrics, imagine Garth Brooks singing this)
I realized subconsciously I'm finally healing from those days so long ago.
The other day I wrote my ex now of 15 years a letter that it would be imprudent to send on many levels and it went something like this:
"I'm sorry about what happened
But I saw no way to survive
without replacing you because I
Couldn't live without you.
And when you tried to kill me
I realized I'd rather be alive
than die at your hands
So I found another
to replace you.
You should have known
I would never be alone
but when you left me
for that asshole
I knew it would never last
now you're alone
and wondering why it ended between us
But you should have known
I would never be alone
So when you wonder
What happened?
What happened
is that we all survived
any way that we could
Because together or apart
our kids needed us
Grown up or not
they needed us
So we stayed alive
For them
And later for us
even though
there is no us
There is only me
and only you
and we don't speak
to each other anymore
We're still alive
for our kids
we still go on
we're still strong
17 years later
And so I know that even though I can write this in a sad and yet strangely humorous way I know somehow I'm helping all the rest of you who experienced this directly or indirectly sometime in your lives to heal all your wounds too.
And when I wrote but didn't send the letter I felt a weight of about 30 years of bullshit lift up and off me and I felt myself forgive her and myself because in the end all each of us was trying to do was to survive our lives and to stay alive for our kids.
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