I think for me, I always loved to learn new things but I wanted to be able to choose what I was learning and not have things shoved down my throat that I wasn't interested in right then.
So, the first time I considered suicide was likely the 1st or 2nd grade because I saw having to go to school for 12 years and then go to college as beyond anything I could ever deal with. But, I didn't do that then because I didn't have the will to do that at that age. I just wanted to be dead rather than be forced to go to school anymore. I just wanted to stay home and be with my friends and parents and grandmother and learn to read and write on my own. I knew I was capable of teaching myself even at age 6 or 7 because I was very intelligent always and always very intuitive also. So, mostly people were underestimating me at each and every turn so I found myself excellent at manipulating people even at 4, 5, 6, or 7 years of age. But, it wasn't malicious ever because I had no desire to hurt anyone. After all, I had already almost died at age 2 from whooping cough so surviving something like this tends to make someone like me a very kind and understanding and helpful person generally speaking always. However, I also didn't want people to force me to do anything I didn't want to. So, out thinking adults is what I set my mind to, so I had more free time to learn what I wanted to learn and do what I wanted to do. Luckily, in the 1950s I had a bicycle after age 5 and then it was safe enough where I lived to just get on my bike and ride anywhere I wanted to. So, if kids on that block where I was weren't chasing me or throwing rocks at me or pulling knives out because I was on their turf I was okay riding anywhere I wanted to go to parks or movies on weekends several miles away in Glendale, California (in Los Angeles Area) where I grew up from age 8 to age 21.
Then as a young person I also hit my head while hiking in the mountains and got a concussion but my father wasn't into doctors so he just told me to get up and hike out of there because I was 9 and very big and strong for my age. So, I just hiked out following him while throwing up from my concussion. Within a year I had developed seizures called Childhood Epilepsy which is the only kind of epilepsy you grow out of usually by age 15 or so when your cranium grows up and it releases the pressure on your brain causing periodic seizures. So, I had to deal with seizures about every month or so at night while I was asleep which is sort of like experiencing being murdered by being strangled to death each time and then losing and waking up and hour or so later shaking in shock for another hour or more.
So, I became very religious since I wasn't allowed any medication (there weren't any good medications then anyway only Phenobarbital) which was a terrible drug anyway. So, my father wouldn't let me take that because he knew it was bad. So, I had ONLY mind over matter and going to church to stay sane and alive through my seizures that were often nearly fatal each time. (for example, a 35 or older person likely would die each time a seizure of the magnitude I experienced happened because they cannot withstand that level of trauma. But, a younger person is more adaptable and so more likely will survive this type of seizure. This is one reason why people take medicines now because without those medicines they likely would die during seizures over 35 or 40 years of age. Alexander the Great and Napoleon both were epileptics by the way and had regular seizures. It also makes you a very strong psychic Sender if you can survive this too without medication. You can receive and send psychically very well if not medicated. But, you also might die too during a seizure.
So, when I was 21 I was asked to leave my childhood religion which I got interested in around 12 to 15 in order to not die from seizures and invited God to live in my body with me which God did. However, this made me so supernatural that it was hard to stay alive and as soon as I did this my physical appearance changed and I never had another seizure.
But, still when I was asked to leave my childhood religion for being too progressive and 1960s I found I was suicidal for about 5 years time but stayed alive not for myself but for my parents and friends because I couldn't do that to them even though I wanted to be dead a lot for myself.
So, when I married and had a son in 1974 when I was 26 I finally had a good reason to stay alive to take care of my son as I could not leave him be an orphan.
Also, from age 15 on I was over 6 feet tall (I'm now about 6 feet 4 1/2 or more (6 foot six with boots on) And I was always very attractive to women. So, being suicidal has nothing to do with what you look like. You can be the most desirable man or woman and you can still be suicidal. In fact, the way I stayed alive between age 21 and 25 was to always have a girlfriend in love with me. As long as I had someone in love with me I had to stay alive for her.
Being suicidal is very complicated. For me, it was about whooping cough and Childhood epilepsy and all the many traumas of my life growing up. But, I also had very good and kind parents who didn't drink or smoke and were Mystical Christian Ministers who were very good and kind to me and so I have always been very good and kind to my children and grandchildren too along the way.
I'm writing this to show you that you don't have to die but you might have to be disciplined for a few years so you don't screw up the rest of your family if you love them and don't want to hurt them.
As miserable as I was from 21 to 25 I was incredibly happy from age 32 to 37 until my father died.
And from age 50 on I have been very happy after I almost died from a heart virus and then was forced to retire.
I could never have believed how happy I could be from ages 50 to 70 so far. If I had taken my own life then I would never have known all the joyful times of raising my kids and traveling with them all over the world. I would never have met my present wife who is an amazing joy to me either.
So, don't kill yourself. Stay alive for your parents and all the people you love. Don't destroy their lives by your death. Think of others.
By God's Grace
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