Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Relationships 12-01-09

If you are a guy and are interested in girls this might be useful. However, if you are coming from a different point of view this may or may not be useful to you.

I was taking a shower this morning and thinking about how I was kind of hard on my first wife because I had only "lived" with another woman for only up to 2 weeks when I was 25 and mostly then camping or motels on vacations or weekend getaways throughout the western states.

So, when my 1 year live in girlfriend got pregnant we married about one month before my son was born. We had tried to get married at SRF in Encinitas, California about 5 months before (and even got a blood test because you needed one then in 1973) but because we weren't members of SRF we were not allowed to marry there. So, we were very disappointed and eventually got married in Long Beach, California in April 1974 using the 1880s living together law which didn't require another blood test.

I was 26 and she was 22 almost 23 and we had lived together for a year before marrying just before my son was born. We were very much in love and both still very young and attractive. However, since I had never lived full time with a woman before this(months and months) I had a lot to learn. Before this relationship I had found myself very much in demand by women if different ways since I was about 15 years old. And from about age 21 to 25 when I met my wife to be there had been many many physical relationships because someone had broken my heart very seriously by age 21. As a 61 year old now I realize I had been totally in love with two women but at age 21 I was not sophisticated enough to make any sense of that at all. So there were many relationships just trying not to commit suicide from a very broken heart. I found that if I had a girlfriend I could find reasons to stay alive another day. Then when my son was born in 1974 I had a reason to stay alive from then on because it didn't really matter what I felt or thought, I had an obligation to raise my son to honor God. So, when my son was born I experienced it as a new beginning to my life.

However, I since I hadn't lived full time beyond 2 weeks with any woman I found living with another woman very difficult. For example, I found it very strange to be in the same bed with another person for 8 or more hours together every night. I felt sort of cluttered and my dreams were different and in some ways I hardly knew myself. But after a time I got kind of where I got used to it. And at that point never wanted to be alone again. So, I suppose you can go one of two ways, either you get used to it and then like it or you want to run and never come back. And also, it depends upon the person and their likes and dislikes and what has come before in their lives.

However, I had not learned to separate out what ALL women have in common from the traits just of my wife and found myself criticizing her at times for traits all women have. I just didn't realize it until I married the second time. Then I got how ignorant I was regarding my first wife. Though my first wife and I were at odds with each other for about 2 years after we broke up we have been very good friends ever since. I think this is because I was faithful to her always and always reasonable the way I treated her. So the trust between my first wife and I has always remained after the first 2 years of breakup. So, even thirty years afterwards we are still friends.

So, if you are a guy there is a great deal to learn about women because even though in some ways they are all exactly the same, in some ways each of them are completely unique. For example, if you want to have biological children with your girlfriend it is always a good idea to get her pregnant before your marry. You don't want to find out (there is a 20% to 50% chance of this) after you marry that you either can't get her pregnant or that she doesn't want to ever be pregnant and just lied to you. Either way if you want to have kids this really sucks. Yes. There is always adoption but you likely won't get a healthy child to adopt in the U.S. You will have to go to another country that allows foreign adoptions and pay anything from $10,000 to $50,000 to $100,000 to adopt a healthy kid. So, because of this unless you are rich I don't recommend adoption.

Also, live in relationships work best if you are both care giver types of personalities. At the very least one of you has to be a care giver type and a communicator. Because without really good communication all relationships tend to fail sooner or later. They either explode apart or they drift apart, one way or the other without caring and communication. However, this is something that can't be forced. If it isn't genuine and desired it becomes fatal to the marriage or live in relationship.

I decided I didn't want to end on a downer. This is the most important thing about any relationship:

"If it ain't broke don't fix it".

One never really knows why a relationship works because in the end it either works or it doesn't. So, if you have one that works for God's sake don't mess with it! For if you have a good working relationship life can be as close to heaven as one can get. Just enjoy it!

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