Middle Aged Crazy?

I had to go through this too starting when I was 37 and my father died. I had expected him to pass on within 2 years or so by my age 35 but I was in no way prepared for the "death spiral" my life took after his passing and I sort of see it as (still being 25 in my mind even at 35 in some ways). Though it's true some people are eternally 25 and often drop dead for this point of view sometime between 25 and 50 this wasn't my problem. My problem was that I saw my youth ending or slipping away and that was triggered by the death of my father. At that point I realized my second wife and I were not going to be together for life and this was a completely horrific thought for me (even though I knew this was true at that point). The first reason for this was that she kept putting down my Dad after he was dead. I'm very loyal to my father and this made me very passive aggressive towards my wife and she became my enemy because she wouldn't shut up about my father. So, she became my enemy at this point and not my friend. So, I knew our days as a married couple were numbered. We didn't break up then only because we were raising 3 kids. Then a 4th one was born in 1989. Which in the long run was a very good thing but in the short run the dynamics of a new wonderful baby in the middle of 3 teenagers didn't work after my father passed away.

My middle aged crazy ended suddenly when I got a heart virus at age 50 and almost died for 8 months. Since I didn't expect to live and was forced to retire in my mind I died trying to stay alive. So, I didn't view myself as really alive after that. So, the struggle to stay alive ended, my finances were okay and I sort of viewed myself as dead and still do on a certain level.

However, this appears to be extremely useful for everyone in my family because now I am calm and wise and am grateful for each moment of life left whether that is 1 day or 1000 years. Either way I'm okay with this.

So, my personal exit from Middle Aged Crazy was nearly dying while trying to raise a 2 1/2 year old daughter at that point with my then 3rd wife and refusing to let my 2 1/2 year old or 7 year old daughter or my older children lose me to death and have to grow up without a father.

So, all this changed me a lot.

I can't really speak to what middle aged crazy is for women but for men they usually enter this stage sometime between 37 and 45 years of age. For women from what I've observed is this is much more tied to menopause whereas for a man this is tied to seeing one's death and mortality coming near and sort of freaking out like someone who jumps out of a plane without a parachute at birth and when the ground starts getting close beginning to realize they are going to die soon.

I would say that middle aged Crazy was the 2nd hardest thing I had to deal with inside myself as an adult. The first hardest was feeling suicidal from 21 until I was about 24 some of the time. I think just trying to find a good enough reason to stay alive at all was harder than middle aged crazy was for me.

But, 2nd to that it is a very manic and in some ways uncontrollable state of consciousness. So, I was lucky by almost dying and by completely giving up any hope and this just made me grateful for each moment of life I have left and makes me think of how can I help myself and my family to the best life possible. Luckily, all my financial ducks were in order so I can spend my time helping others all the time now.